"Why didn’t they just leave?": The Hidden Struggles of People-Pleasers

If you've never been in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s easy to think, “Why didn’t they just leave?” This question, often well-intentioned, shows a gap in understanding the complexity of narcissistic abuse—especially for those who identify as people-pleasers.

The Misunderstanding: “Why Didn’t They Just Walk Away?”

From the outside, it might seem like staying in a toxic relationship is a choice based on laziness or stupidity. After all, how hard can it be to recognize that someone is mistreating you? But for victims of narcissistic abuse, especially people-pleasers, the situation is far more complicated. Many people-pleasers don’t even realize they’re in an abusive relationship until it’s too late.

In fact, many people-pleasers don’t even realize they are people-pleasers; they simply think of themselves as being very nice. I used to be the same way. It wasn’t until I began researching narcissism that I first came across the term "people-pleaser" and recognized it in myself.

Narcissists are skilled manipulators, often using charm, love-bombing, and subtle gaslighting to create a cycle that leaves their victims confused and doubting their reality. For a people-pleaser, this creates the perfect storm. They’ve likely spent their entire lives prioritizing others' needs, wanting to be liked, and avoiding conflict. This makes them prime targets for narcissists, who exploit their desire to keep the peace and seek approval.

By the time a people-pleaser recognizes that something is wrong, they’re usually so emotionally and mentally entangled that leaving feels impossible. The narcissist has likely eroded their sense of self-worth to the point where they believe they deserve the abuse or that the relationship is all they can hope for. From the outside, this might look like passivity or a refusal to take responsibility, but the reality is far more about deep psychological manipulation and fear.

The Silent Friends: How Well-Meaning People Miss the Signs

Even friends of people-pleasers can unknowingly be part of the problem. Many times, people around the victim might sense something is wrong but choose not to speak up. Perhaps they don’t want to overstep, or they assume the victim already knows the relationship is toxic. In some cases, friends might even dismiss the victim’s complaints, thinking they’re exaggerating or being overly sensitive.

During the twenty years I spent in narcissistic relationships, only four people took the time to express concern about how the relationship was affecting me. In contrast, dozens told me how lucky I was to have found such a “great guy.” Even my own sister admitted she was jealous that I found not one, but two men who, in her eyes, “took such good care of me.” She focused only on the material aspects of the relationship and wasn’t interested when I tried to share my discomfort.

This silence, whether intentional or not, only reinforces the victim's isolation and confusion. People-pleasers tend to internalize any criticism, and when no one speaks up about the narcissist's behavior, it feels like validation that they are, in fact, overreacting. It can take years for a victim of narcissistic abuse to understand the extent of the manipulation they've endured, and during that time, even their closest friends may be unwittingly complicit in their silence.

The Difficulty of Recognizing a Narcissist

Recognizing that you're in a relationship with a narcissist isn’t as straightforward as many think. Narcissists are adept at hiding their abusive traits, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. They often present themselves as caring, charismatic, and supportive—traits that would make anyone question their suspicions about them being manipulative or cruel.

When I found myself in another abusive relationship, I was devastated. I thought I had been so careful, often speaking up about what went wrong in my previous marriage. But it didn’t matter. This time, the narcissist used what I shared about my past to convince me he was different. He went out of his way to show how he wasn’t like my ex, but the differences were only surface-level. As time went on, I started to see that while the details didn’t exactly match, the motives and patterns were the same.

For people-pleasers, this confusion is magnified. Their lifelong habit of minimizing their own needs and prioritizing others makes it incredibly difficult to recognize the warning signs. Instead of seeing the narcissist’s behavior as abusive, they might rationalize it: "Maybe I’m just being difficult," "Maybe I need to be more understanding." The narcissist’s criticism becomes their own inner voice, and they slowly lose the ability to trust their own instincts.

The Path Forward: Understanding and Support

What’s needed to bridge the gap between those who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse and those who haven’t is empathy and education. People need to understand that narcissistic abuse is often subtle and insidious, especially for those who have been conditioned to please others at their own expense.

If you’re a friend or loved one of a people-pleaser, take the time to gently raise your concerns if you sense something is wrong. Offer support without judgment, knowing that the decision to leave an abusive relationship is never as simple as it looks from the outside.

Victims of narcissistic abuse aren’t lazy or stupid—they are survivors of a complex and deeply harmful dynamic. Recognizing this truth is the first step in offering them the understanding and help they need to break free.

Conclusion

I am grateful for the four people who took the time to listen and understand me. They are still my closest friends today. Dear reader, I ask you to share this blog post with your friends and loved ones. Help me with my mission to raise awareness, so we can all become our best selves and find the love, intimacy, and connection we truly deserve in our lives.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com