Not Again - Why did I fall for another narcissist?

Oh No—Not Again!

If you’ve found yourself in another relationship with a narcissist, you’re not alone. Many people fall into this pattern, often without realizing it until it’s too late.

I experienced this myself. After my first marriage and subsequent divorce, I promised I would never get involved with someone like my ex-husband again. What I didn’t understand at the time was that I was a magnet for narcissists. I attracted another toxic partner, just as damaging as the first, but in his own unique way.

It took me a while to figure out what had happened. I was four years into my new relationship before my intuition finally connected with my logical mind. All along, my intuition had been warning me, but I just wasn’t able to process the message. Today, I realize that my mind wasn’t fully attuned, which led to my self-sabotage.

Understanding why this happens is crucial for breaking the cycle. Here are five important areas to check and address before jumping into another committed relationship, based on my experiences.

1. Recognizing Your People-Pleasing Tendencies

Are you a people pleaser? If you often prioritize others’ needs over your own, you may inadvertently attract narcissists who thrive on your desire to please. Narcissists often seek partners who will cater to their needs, leaving you feeling drained and unappreciated.

I was a people-pleaser. Childhood abuse and neglect created this tendency in me. Societal norms for women reinforced the idea that pleasing others was essential for maintaining a good marriage.

Action Steps:

• Reflect on your motivations: Are you seeking validation through others’ approval?

• Set boundaries: Practice saying “no” and prioritizing your own needs.

• Focus on self-care: Engage in activities that make you feel fulfilled and happy, independent of others.

2. Understanding the Influence of the Narcissist’s Circle

My ex-husband, in true narcissistic fashion, isolated me from my family and friends. The only friends I had were his friends, who were not my friends at all. I had no personal connections outside of him, so when I left, I had no one to validate my feelings. This isolation made it easier for me to fall into a relationship with someone who became my second narcissistic boyfriend. His friends convinced me he was a good guy, that he truly loved me, and that I was lucky to have him.

Narcissists often surround themselves with people who reflect their beliefs and reinforce their behavior. Their friends may share similar traits, which can distort your perception of what’s normal in a relationship. If you’ve been influenced by their social circle, it’s time to reassess.

Action Steps:

• Evaluate your relationships: Are you surrounding yourself with your own supportive, healthy friends?

• Seek outside perspectives: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist about your experiences and feelings.

• Limit exposure: If certain friends of your ex-partner continue to influence you negatively, consider distancing yourself from them.

3. Stop Waiting to Be Chosen

I was raised to believe that women should wait to be chosen. We were taught to look pretty and wait for the right guy to pick us off the shelf. While we had the power to say no, there was always pressure to quickly give in because all the good ones seemed to be taken. Additionally, the competitive atmosphere made me feel like I had to attract attention, especially with other women vying for the same man.

Many people in unhealthy relationships fall into the trap of waiting to be chosen instead of actively seeking a partner who meets their standards. This mindset can lead you to settle for less than you deserve, allowing narcissists to thrive in your life.

Action Steps:

• Define your standards: Write down the qualities and values that matter most to you in a partner.

• Take initiative: Be proactive in dating and don’t hesitate to walk away from someone who doesn’t meet your criteria.

• Shift your mindset: Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect, and that a healthy relationship involves mutual selection.

4. Evaluate the Self-Talk That Attracts Narcissists

After leaving my ex-husband, I knew I needed to keep working on myself. I had finally found the courage to stand up for myself and stop letting him devalue me. What I didn’t realize at the time was that my own words and beliefs about myself allowed him to treat me that way. I was a pushover and rarely spoke up for my needs.

The way you talk about yourself can significantly influence the types of relationships you attract. If you frequently downplay your worth or describe yourself in negative terms, you may inadvertently draw in narcissists who see you as an easy target.

Action Steps:

• Challenge negative self-talk: Replace harmful statements with positive affirmations. Instead of saying, “I lucky to get a good partner,” try, “I am worthy of love and respect.”

• Focus on your strengths: Make a list of your positive qualities and refer to it when self-doubt creeps in.

• Cultivate self-love: Engage in activities that build your confidence and help you recognize your value.

5. Conduct a Character Review of Past Relationships

I recognized that my childhood abuse contributed to my low self-esteem and unhealthy marriage, so I sought help. Those few quiet moments of reflection were enough to help me start identifying patterns in my behavior. Since then, I have made reflection a routine part of my life to ensure my core values are satisfied and my boundaries remain intact.

It’s essential to reflect on your past relationships, particularly the characteristics that made you vulnerable to narcissists. Recognizing patterns can empower you to make different choices. By understanding your tendencies, setting standards, and valuing yourself, you can create healthier relationships in the future.

Action Steps:

• Journal your experiences: Write about your past relationships, focusing on behaviors and traits you overlooked.

• Identify red flags: Create a list of warning signs that you’ve noticed in previous partners.

• Learn from your experiences: Use these insights to establish healthier relationship boundaries moving forward.

Conclusion: Empowering Yourself for Healthier Relationships

Falling for a narcissist can feel like a painful cycle, but it’s possible to break free. By addressing your people-pleasing tendencies, understanding external influences, setting clear standards, evaluating your self-talk, and conducting a thorough character review, you can empower yourself to make healthier relationship choices. Remember, it’s not just about finding the right person; it’s also about being the right partner to yourself. Embrace your worth, and take the necessary steps to attract the love and respect you truly deserve.

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letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com