Trying to Leave a Narcissist: Here Are 5 Things to Look Out For

Leaving a narcissist is a process - not a moment

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve found yourself in a situation similar to mine, or you know someone who has.

By the time you realize the truth about the person you chose to love, you may feel trapped in a deep mental prison—solitary confinement, with little to no chance of escape. You know you need to get out, but it’s only now that you truly grasp how confined you are.

You might also find yourself confused about this mental prison because some days seem really great, just not as many as in the early stages of the relationship.

When you decide to leave, it’s not that simple. Remember, you’re in a maximum-security mental prison. Everything you do is being monitored. Narcissists excel at reading your emotions; they know exactly what you’re planning and can play psychological games with your mind to keep you imprisoned.

It’s essential to understand that leaving a narcissist isn’t just a single moment of courage—it’s a process that takes time, strategy, and support.

My Process

It was incredibly difficult for me to consciously process what I had gotten myself into—again. Mentally, I felt like I was flailing, spiraling out of control. Each day became a routine of walking on eggshells and trying to get along. I knew I had to escape, but I didn’t know how.

My hair started falling out in clumps, my immune system was going haywire, and stress consumed me. The last time I felt like this was with my ex-husband, and I ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. I was determined not to let that happen again, but I was mentally exhausted.

In my desperation, I decided to take some mushrooms. Whatever you may think about that choice, I don’t care. That 700mg of psilocybin changed my life. That day, I couldn’t stop crying. My mind still couldn’t logically process my situation, but deep within my subconscious, something powerful was happening. When the effects subsided, I just knew I had to keep moving forward.

It felt like digging a tunnel from solitary confinement to the real world outside. Every day, I dug a little deeper and could sense the clarity on the other side. Yet, I still had to return to the prison environment because it wasn’t quite time to break out. I had escaped mentally, but I hadn’t yet broken free physically. During that time, here are the five crucial things I had to navigate on my path to freedom.

1. The Hoovering Tactic

One of the most common strategies a narcissist employs to regain control is called "hoovering." Named after the vacuum brand, hoovering refers to the manipulative attempts to suck you back into the relationship. After a breakup, a narcissist may present a facade of change, promising to be a better partner. They might express deep regret, shower you with love, or offer to change their behavior.

My narcissist was true to form here. A few weeks after he had broken me by putting me out in the middle of winter and then spent the entire day blowing up my phone to find out where I was, he decided to plan a trip to Mexico. It seemed like a great holiday getaway from our northern climate, and who doesn't love an all-inclusive resort? Suddenly, he was being nice to me, trying to get me excited for the trip.

It’s essential to recognize that these changes are often temporary and superficial. Narcissists are adept at mimicking emotional responses and can be highly persuasive. When considering whether to return, ask yourself: Has anything genuinely changed, or is this just a ploy to regain control?

2. Flying Monkey Friends

Narcissists often surround themselves with enablers or "flying monkeys." These are friends, family members, or acquaintances who, consciously or unconsciously, support the narcissist’s narrative and minimize the abuse. They may come to you with well-meaning advice, urging you to see the “good” in the narcissist or suggesting that you’re overreacting.

I agreed to go on the trip; after all, it was the only way to get him to stop talking about it. I pretended to look forward to it while continuing to "grey rock and feed him cardboard". The trip was going to be with his friends, who had, for the past four years, pretended to be my friends as well.

I remember sharing with the girls' group what was happening and explaining why I hadn’t been around much lately. They responded the "right" way, expressing shock and offering, "If you need anything, we’re here for you." But, like a news cycle, my catastrophe was quickly replaced by a more exciting story about someone's dog having a new litter of puppies.

A couple of guys from the group reached out to console me. Both expressed their sorrow about my situation and advised me to hang in there, insisting that my boyfriend was really a good guy who just messed up. They mentioned having made similar mistakes in the past, noting that after a brief cooling-off period, their partners took them back. What struck me as particularly revealing was that both of them wanted me to promise never to tell my boyfriend they had come to see me because they didn’t want to interfere in our relationship.

These flying monkeys can create additional emotional turmoil, further isolating you from support. It’s crucial to recognize that their perspective is often biased, and they may not fully understand the dynamics of the abuse you’re experiencing. Surround yourself with people who validate your feelings and experiences rather than dismissing them.

3. Gaslighting and Normalization of Abuse

Narcissistic relationships often involve gaslighting—manipulating someone into questioning their reality. This tactic can make you doubt your perceptions and feelings, leading to a distorted sense of self. Over time, the behaviors that should be alarming may become normalized, blurring the lines of what constitutes acceptable treatment.

We had a sizable friend group, and it became clear to me that those closest to me were all very similar. The women were predominantly victims, yet they played along as if being abused was just the way things were. There was one exception—a guy who was also a victim.

His girlfriend was insecure and extremely controlling. Looking back, I realized that the guys never offered him any real support to stop the abuse. Instead, they only enabled the relationship, giving him brief escapes with alcohol or an occasional place to stay when things got really out of hand. Before long, he would be back with her, telling us how hard she was working to make things better.

We all used alcohol to cope in our relationships. We called it a good time, and while that was somewhat true, it was also the only way we could tolerate each other. It was a simple cycle of being abused and then letting it all go with a few drinks. Alcohol helped numb the pain and allowed us to forget just how awful things really were.

My eyes were opened when I started micro-dosing mushrooms. Suddenly, my cravings for alcohol vanished. Being sober and around the group, I finally realized that what had seemed normal for the past four years was nothing but abuse.

You might find yourself rationalizing the narcissist’s actions or feeling guilty for wanting to leave. Understanding that this manipulation is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse can help reclaim your reality. Journal your experiences or seek therapy to help you identify what’s truly happening in your relationship.

4. Isolation from Support Networks

Narcissists often isolate their partners from friends and family to maintain control. This isolation can make it even harder to leave, as your support system may dwindle. You may feel alone in your struggle, unable to seek help or validation from others.

My isolation with my boyfriend was different from the one I experienced with my ex-husband. My boyfriend isolated me by limiting my friendships to his friend group, while my ex-husband didn’t allow me to have any friends at all. I could be around him and his friends, but I wasn’t allowed to have a friend of my own. When I got involved with my boyfriend, it felt great to think I could connect with the girls in the group, but every attempt felt insincere.

Whenever I tried to reconnect with old friends from my past, my boyfriend would make fun of them or insult them. He wanted me to believe that those people were beneath us. He was comfortable around my sister and her daughter, but they shared his narcissistic traits. My brother, on the other hand, was completely written off as weird and made him uncomfortable. Like my ex-husband, my boyfriend insisted that I should have nothing to do with him.

To counteract this, make a conscious effort to reconnect with supportive people in your life. Lean on friends or family who respect your feelings and can provide a safe space to express your thoughts. Building a solid support network is vital for your emotional well-being and can be a significant factor in your decision to leave.

5. The Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation

In many narcissistic relationships, there’s a pronounced cycle of idealization and devaluation. Initially, the narcissist may shower you with love and attention, making you feel special. However, this is often followed by periods of emotional abuse, criticism, and neglect.

During the final month of my tunnel digging and micro-dosing, the patterns became so clear to me that they felt predictable. My boyfriend could cycle through emotions like flipping pages in a book. He would start off charming and engaging, quickly followed by insults and humiliation, then tears and sadness, and just as suddenly, he’d switch to anger before returning to charm.

Here’s how it sounded:

Zane: “Hon, what do you feel like for dinner? I’m thinking steak and crab.”
Tiffany: “I had a heavy lunch, so I’ll probably just have a snack.”
Zane: “Oh, so you weren’t thinking about me and our dinner? You’re so selfish.”
Tiffany: “Are you asking me to starve myself when I’m hungry?”
Zane, in tears: “All I wanted was to have a nice dinner with you.”
Tiffany: “I’ve told you for years that I don’t like heavy meals late in the evening.”
Zane, raising his voice: “You used to like dinners; now you say you don’t anymore.”
Tiffany: [says nothing]
Zane, charmingly: “Would you like to watch a show or do you want to fool around?”

Recognizing this pattern can be instrumental in understanding the relationship’s dynamics. A healthy relationship should not be a rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows. If you find yourself constantly trying to win back affection or approval, it’s a sign that the relationship is unhealthy and unsustainable.

Conclusion

Leaving a narcissist can be one of the most challenging journeys you’ll undertake, but it is possible. By understanding the tactics they employ—like hoovering and gaslighting—and the role of flying monkey friends, you can equip yourself with the knowledge needed to reclaim your reality and make empowered choices.

Remember, you deserve a relationship built on respect, love, and support. Surround yourself with those who uplift you, and take the necessary steps towards healing and freedom. You’re not alone in this fight, and brighter days are ahead.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com