How to get rid of a narcissist? - Feed them cardboard

Flip-Flopping

Do you find yourself constantly going back and forth in a relationship that’s clearly going nowhere? You know the one—the relationship with your ex that’s been on and off two or three times over the past few years. You keep wondering, "How did I end up here again?"

My dear reader, you’re experiencing the classic cycle of narcissistic abuse: love-bombing, discard, and hoovering. For you, the relationship feels "on" during the love-bombing, "off" during the discard, and then "back on" when they hoover you back in. But for the narcissist, the relationship was always "on". They feed on any emotion you give them—whether good or bad.

If you want to stop the flip-flopping, you need to stop feeding the narcissist your emotional energy. Instead, give them a "cardboard diet"—dull and unreactive—and they’ll lose interest in manipulating you.

Now, maybe it’s the word “narcissist” that makes you hesitate. After all, no one wants to think of their loved ones in that way. These are your wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers…you get the picture.

That’s fine. If the word narcissist feels too harsh, then think about the relationship that’s making you feel like you’ve lost touch with who you are. The one that’s causing you to doubt your self-worth, struggle to trust others, and constantly second-guess yourself and you can insert that name instead.

Love-bombing Stage

During the love-bombing stage, a narcissist feeds on the intense emotions they create in their target, such as excitement, admiration, and infatuation. They shower you with excessive praise, attention, and affection, making you feel special and deeply valued.

This emotional high draws you in, making you more vulnerable to their manipulation. The narcissist thrives on your growing attachment and reliance on their approval, which later enables them to control and exploit you once the initial charm fades. By stirring up these intense positive emotions, they set the stage for their eventual emotional manipulation.

Discard Stage

The discard stage in narcissistic abuse happens when the narcissist no longer sees you as useful or able to boost their ego. In other word, they get bored with you. They may suddenly pull away, treat you as if you don’t matter, or even cut you out of their life without warning.

This can leave you feeling confused, hurt, and rejected. The narcissist does this to maintain control over you. They will move on to someone else who can give them the new and fun attention they crave, leaving you to deal with the emotional fallout, until they get bored of them and then its back to you. During this time the narcissist is feeding on your hurt. They love every emotion you are giving them as you struggle to mend the relationship.

Hoovering Stage

The hoovering stage in narcissistic abuse happens when the narcissist tries to pull you back into their life after a period of separation or discard. They might act sweet, apologize, or make promises to change in an effort to "suck" you back in, much like a vacuum. The goal is to gain further control over you and your emotions. This is just another manipulation tactic to keep the cycle of abuse going, it is never a genuine attempt to improve the relationship.

We empathetic people often fall for the hoovering tactic because we tend to see the best in others and genuinely want to be part of a growing relationship. However, whether we like it or not, this is not possible in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser. Your relationship will never grow.

How Narcissists Feed on Emotions

Narcissists crave control and emotional responses because it fuels their sense of superiority and validation. They will shower you with gifts, push your buttons, insult you, provoke you, or create drama to evoke an emotional reaction. Whether you're happy, crying, yelling, or defending yourself, the narcissist feels empowered and in control.

Narcissists are particularly skilled at zeroing in on your vulnerabilities. They may exploit insecurities or past traumas to keep you on edge, making it difficult to break free from their grasp. By keeping you emotionally engaged, they continue to feed off your reactions, manipulating you into feeling guilt, shame, or confusion. This cycle often leaves the victim feeling powerless.

This is where managing your emotions comes in. If you can take away the narcissist’s fuel—your emotional energy—they lose their power over you.

The Grey Rock Method

The Grey Rock Method is a powerful technique to protect yourself from narcissistic abuse by becoming uninteresting and unresponsive to their provocations. Here’s how it works:

1. Be Boring: Imagine you are a grey rock—dull, unremarkable, and unengaging. You respond to the narcissist in a neutral, calm, and monotonous way. Avoid giving emotional responses to their attempts at manipulation. The less exciting you are, the less attention you’ll get from them.

2. Limit Communication: Stick to basic, unemotional answers. Don’t engage in long conversations or debates with the narcissist. Give brief, non-committal responses like “Hmm,” “Okay,” or “I don’t know.”

3. Do Not Defend Yourself: When they try to provoke you or blame you for things, resist the urge to explain yourself or fight back. Defending yourself or trying to make them understand your perspective only feeds their need for control. Keep your answers neutral.

4. Stay Calm: Narcissists will try everything in their arsenal to get an emotional response. The key is to remain calm, composed, and detached. If they can no longer get an emotional reaction from you, they will lose interest over time.

The goal of this method is not to win an argument or make the narcissist change their ways—it’s to protect your mental health by disengaging from their toxic behavior.

Let Them Eat Cardboard!

While I appreciate the Grey Rock Method, I found that it didn’t come naturally to me. It took too much energy to shift into a neutral, calm, and monotonous state, which clashed with my usual easy-going personality. That’s why I developed my own approach—what I call the “cardboard diet method.” This mindset shift made it easier for me to apply the Grey Rock Method more effectively.

Understanding that a narcissist feeds on every emotion—whether positive or negative—can be confusing. In healthy relationships, we aim to build trust and deeper connections. But for a narcissist, the goal is dominance and control, all while pretending they want the same things you do.

I realized I needed a way to stop my natural urge to defend myself when attacked or be encouraging when love-bombed. To do this, I started imagining my emotions as food—delicious food that my narcissistic abuser craves. It didn’t matter if the emotion was positive or negative; I assigned each one a tasty dish.

Love became fruits and veggies. Fear, anxiety, and shame were like fried chicken. Sadness, happiness, and kindness were sweet treats. But instead of giving them what they wanted, I decided to give them something bland and tasteless—like cardboard.

Have you ever bitten into a piece of food and accidentally chewed on the packaging? Your tongue instantly filters it out, and you spit it out. That’s exactly the effect I wanted my emotions to have on the narcissist—something they would quickly lose interest in.

Once I started using my cardboard diet method, it became easier to give the narcissist what they needed (nothing valuable) and not what they wanted (emotional reactions). As a result, I grew stronger, my boundaries became firmer, and, sure enough, my abuser lost interest.

Losing the Relationship Weight

Being the victim in a narcissistic abusive relationship feels like carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders. The relationship takes a toll on your mind because that’s exactly what the narcissist does best. They make sure you’re always thinking about them and what you can do to please them. They know how to exploit your vulnerabilities, especially if you’re naturally a people-pleaser, leaving you mentally and emotionally drained.

Here’s the tough part no one talks about: If you want to protect your mental health, you have to change the relationship entirely. You’ll need to let go of the fantasy of a great relationship with this person. You have to learn to live without them in the ways you once imagined.

Letting go - Stonewalling

Stonewalling is another technique that can be used when things escalate or when the narcissist becomes particularly aggressive. It involves completely shutting down communication and refusing to engage, even on a superficial level.

1. Cut Communication: Unlike the Grey Rock Method, which involves minimal interaction, stonewalling means completely disengaging. Don’t answer their calls, texts, or emails. This may be necessary when the narcissist is trying to escalate the situation to provoke a stronger emotional response.

2. Remove Yourself from the Situation: If the narcissist is in your physical presence and becomes confrontational, calmly remove yourself from the situation. If possible, leave the room or the location altogether.

3. Set Boundaries: You may need to set clear and firm boundaries with the narcissist. Let them know that you will not engage in any conversation or interaction unless it is absolutely necessary (e.g., if you share children). Enforce these boundaries by sticking to them.

Stonewalling works best when the narcissist is becoming hostile, and it may also be necessary when you are feeling overwhelmed or triggered by their behavior.

Why Managing Your Emotions is Crucial

One of the most important elements of using either the Grey Rock Method or stonewalling is the ability to manage your emotions. Here’s why it matters:

• Emotional Detachment Protects You: By not reacting emotionally, you protect yourself from further manipulation. Narcissists feed on emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. When you stop giving them those emotions, you start reclaiming your power.

• It Disrupts the Narcissist’s Tactics: The narcissist will try to provoke you to get a reaction, but when you manage your emotions effectively, they can no longer play their mind games. Over time, they may seek someone else who is more responsive to their manipulations.

• You Control the Dynamic: By managing your emotions, you take control of the interaction. You shift the dynamic from being the victim to being in charge of your own responses. This creates a sense of empowerment and can help you heal from the trauma of dealing with a narcissist.

Conclusion

While dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting, employing strategies like the Grey Rock Method, Cardboard Diet, and stonewalling can protect you from further emotional harm. The key to making these methods work is managing your emotions and staying as unreactive as possible. Narcissists can’t function without emotional fuel, and by refusing to give it to them, you begin to take back your power.

These techniques won’t change the narcissist, but they will help you regain control over your emotional wellbeing and start breaking free from their abuse.