What I Learned in Couples Therapy That Helped Me Decide My Relationship Was Over
Navigating the wild ride of couples therapy, I learned some pretty hard truths about relationships. Here’s the 5 signs that told me it was time to pack up and go, even if the therapist didn't explicitly say, "Run!"
TRAUMA & ABUSERELATIONSHIPS
Tiffany
10/23/20243 min read
Couples Therapy
Couples therapy was the last stop on my emotional train ride through Manipulationville, Control City, and just-barely-hanging-on Town. We were arguing all the time, and according to him, we could no longer agree on anything. But for me? It wasn’t about disagreements. I’d simply had enough of the gaslighting, manipulation, and control. I mean, I’d done my research, I was onto his narcissistic ways. Sure, I’m not a licensed therapist, but I’m also not an idiot.
I journaled, I recorded, I analyzed (yes, I recorded our conversations—how else was I supposed to keep up with his Olympic-level mental gymnastics?) and it was clear. He had all the signs of a narcissist. And me? I had people-pleaser written all over my forehead.
Still, I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel. I had to give it one last chance. So off we went to couples therapy. Here’s what I learned—and how I knew the relationship was done.
1. The Compromise That Isn’t
When we sat down for our first session, he went first—naturally. He laid out his grievances, from how much he loved me to how I emotionally “cheated” because I sent a funny text to a coworker. (Note: The text was about an empty box that I left at the office door, hardly grounds for emotional infidelity.) The therapist asked him to be less controlling and asked me to stop sending funny texts. I agreed, but deep down, I thought, Wait, why am I sacrificing innocent laughter to soothe his insecurities? That’s when it hit me: compromise only works when both people are contributing, and I wasn’t about to trade away my humor to appease someone’s fragile ego.
2. The Contradictions: Words vs. Actions
At one point, our second therapist (yes, we tried more than one) summed up my frustration perfectly. He asked, “So, words and actions don’t match?” I nodded so hard I almost sprained my neck. My partner said one thing, then did the opposite, and I was always left confused. When someone’s actions contradict their words consistently, it’s a sign that you’re not just in a rough patch—you're in a losing game. No matter how much therapy you go through, you can’t work with someone whose promises vanish like smoke.
3. Sex Is Not Intimacy
One of his go-to complaints was the lack of sex. It had been almost a year, and he wasn’t shy about announcing it to the therapist. “Sex isn’t a precursor to intimacy,” the therapist calmly responded, which led to a glorious moment of confusion on my partner’s face, followed by an angry neck-vein-popping red flush. Therapy revealed that intimacy wasn’t just physical—it was emotional, too. And frankly, there was no emotional closeness to speak of. Without that connection, the physical just felt like another chore on the to-do list.
4. The Privacy Invasion
During one session, he confessed to snooping through my phone for “proof” of my alleged emotional cheating. I wasn’t hiding anything, but the fact that he felt entitled to read every text message, every note, and every email was a huge red flag. If someone doesn’t trust you, and they’re constantly invading your privacy to try and validate their own paranoia, therapy isn’t going to fix that. And spoiler: it didn’t.
5. The "Sorry" That Isn’t Sorry
Ah, the vacation dilemma. He thought booking a nice trip would make me forget the time he kicked me out of the house in the middle of winter. The ol’ “flowers and vacation” apology routine. But I couldn’t do it. Apologizing only works if there’s change behind it, and I wasn’t seeing any. Therapy helped me realize that “sorry” without action is just a word. It doesn’t mend the hurt or build trust.
After months of attempted therapy, I had exhausted all possibilities. I knew deep down that nothing was going to change, and all the signs were there. From controlling behavior to the lack of real intimacy, to constantly bending myself into a pretzel for peace, I knew I couldn’t be my authentic self in this relationship. And if you can’t be yourself, what’s the point?
Conclusion
So, my friends, if you’re sitting in a therapy session feeling like you’re the only one trying, or if you're constantly trading away pieces of yourself to make someone else happy, it might be time to move on. Therapy can help you see the truth, but it can’t force anyone to change. I learned that the hard way—but hey, at least I got some great stories out of it!
