Turning Trauma into Transformation: A Personal Journey to Self-Love

Finding the Courage to Begin

I used to say that my healing journey started the day I went to see my therapist. Looking back, that wasn’t exactly true. Sure, going to therapy was a huge milestone, and my therapist said some things that will stick with me forever. But the truth is, the journey really began when I found the courage inside myself to want to change things .

I’d known for years that I needed to deal with my childhood trauma, but I just wasn’t ready. It took so much strength even to admit I needed help.

Growing up, I went through a lot of things no child should experience. There was pain, fear, and abuse, and instead of support, I got silence.

Facing a Lifetime of Silence

My mother, my sisters, family members, even people at the church—they all acted like nothing had happened. They’d say things like, “Just forgive and move on.” I was told to be quiet because the worst was supposedly “in the past.” But the truth is, the effects of it never left me.

The abuse continued in different ways, not the same exact way as before, but the same energy, if that makes sense. It was all about power, and I always felt small and powerless.

When I did try to speak up as a child, it was like the adults around me saw me as the problem. They’d ask, “What did you do to make him behave that way?” or “What were you wearing?” I was so young, and I learned to blame myself because no one else seemed to hold the abusers accountable. I learned to stay quiet, to hide my pain so that the people around me wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.

I also watched and learned from the women around me. I saw that if abuse came from someone who said they loved you—a boyfriend or husband, for instance—it wasn’t even considered abuse anymore. They called it “love.”

So, that’s what I did. I followed the same path I saw them take, letting the 'right' guy choose me and staying in toxic relationships and telling myself it was normal. But deep down, I knew I was dying inside.

Choosing Therapy Against the Odds

After years of hiding my pain, something shifted. I reached a point where I felt like I had nothing left to lose. I couldn’t keep carrying this weight around. I decided I was going to see a therapist.

I told my boyfriend at the time about my decision. We were having our own issues, and I thought maybe therapy could help me understand what I was feeling and maybe improve our relationship. But he didn’t see it that way at all.

He told me that therapy was a waste of time and money. He said, “It’s just talking—you tell them how you feel, and then what? Nothing changes.” He’d tried therapy once himself, after his dad died, and said it did nothing for him. I’ll never forget how he looked at me and said, “I don’t know why you think you need therapy; you’re the most well-rounded person I know.”

But I wasn’t deterred. I’d been wanting to do this for over 15 years. I’d finally saved up enough to afford it, and I had to do it—before I chickened out again. I had to know if I was broken and, if I was, if I could somehow be fixed.

That’s when my real journey began: with a mixture of doubt, hope, and this relentless need to understand myself better.

I dove into researching therapists, trying to find the right person who wouldn’t just dismiss my pain. I knew what it felt like to be taken to a church leader who acted like my abuse was no big deal, and I didn’t want that experience again.

Eventually, I found her—my therapist. She was someone who understood, someone with personal experience and the right training. She was easy to talk to, and for the first time, I felt like I had a safe place to unpack everything I’d been holding in.

Discovering the Power of Safe Spaces

In those early sessions, I remember sitting in silence for what felt like hours. When my therapist asked me questions, sometimes I didn’t even have words to answer. I’d sit there blank, my mind numb. Part of me felt like I was wasting her time, but each session, she reassured me that we were making progress. And she was right.

Slowly, I realized how powerful it was just to have a space where I could sit and think without anyone judging me or dismissing me.

As we continued, I began to notice how negative my self-talk was. All those years of blaming myself had left deep marks on how I saw myself. I started paying attention to the things I would tell myself without even realizing it—thoughts like, “You’re not good enough” or “You’ll never be truly loved.”

These thoughts had become a part of me, and I knew I needed to change that if I wanted to heal.

It wasn’t easy. I had to consciously start changing these lies I’d been telling myself for so long.

Setting Boundaries and Finding Freedom

Therapy helped me understand that I needed environments where I could think freely, where I felt safe enough to just exist without judgment. But that safe space didn’t exist with my boyfriend.

In fact, as I set boundaries and began protecting myself, he became even more hostile. He would say things like, “Therapy is making you worse,” but what was really happening was that I was learning to value myself. Eventually, I made the hard decision to leave that relationship, and with that choice, I gained a whole new level of freedom.

Sound Therapy and Moments of Clarity

After leaving, I explored other forms of healing, like sound therapy. I remember going to this session where a woman played Tibetan bowls. The sound vibrations had a way of cutting through all the noise in my mind. It reminded me of the safe space I felt with my therapist.

At the end of the session, she asked me, “What’s the first thought that came to you?” I remember saying, “Clarity.” For the first time, I felt clear about my needs and my desires, even if I didn’t know exactly how to get there yet.

After everyone else had left, I hung around, looking at the books and charts she had on display. There was one that talked about the effects of words on water and how negative words can distort water crystals.

It hit me—our bodies are mostly water. If negative words could distort water, what had years of negative self-talk done to me? I was fascinated, and it was a lightbulb moment for me. I realized I had to start speaking to myself with kindness and love.

Another chart caught my eye. It listed levels of consciousness, and I noticed that shame was at the very bottom, just above death. I was living in shame, feeling worthless because of things that happened to me as a child, things that weren’t my fault. That moment shifted something inside me. I knew I had to find a way to climb out of this low energy and into a place of self-love.

Transforming Self-Love into Action

I started imagining a different kind of life for myself. I leaned into my dreams, the moments in between the negative thoughts when I’d fantasize about a life where I was truly happy. I started thinking, What if it did work? What if I could be fixed?

For most of my life, I’d been a “fixer” in relationships, always compromising and doing whatever I could to make others happy. But now, I decided to turn that energy inward. I was going to fix me. I wasn’t going to abandon myself to make someone else comfortable anymore. I wavered between courage and fear, but I kept going.

As my confidence grew, I set bigger goals. I started speaking more confidently about what I wanted. I noticed when negative thoughts crept in, and I made a conscious effort to replace them with affirming truths. The more I affirmed myself, the more opportunities opened up for me. I didn’t always know exactly what I was doing, but somehow, life seemed to meet me halfway.

I started having goals and values for the first time in my life—things that were important to me. I no longer waited for others to tell me what was right or to validate my choices. I learned to break my goals down into small steps, things I could do every day that moved me closer to the life I wanted.

Each time I reached a new level in my journey, I’d face those old self-doubts again. But this time, I was ready. I’d walk myself through the process of dreaming, affirming, and taking action, and each time, I’d come out stronger. My self-doubt was still there, but it no longer had power over me.

Writing and Sharing My Story

With this new resolve, I decided to write a book, Make It About You, where I shared the steps that had helped me break free from these patterns. I wanted to help others who felt trapped in shame and pain, especially those who had been in narcissistic relationships. The book became my way of giving back, of saying, “If I can find healing, maybe you can too.”

Eventually, I started sharing my journey publicly, first through a podcast and then in writing. I knew my story had value. My first book was a step, but now I’m working on my memoir, From Silent to Resilient, where I go even deeper. I want to keep sharing what I’ve learned because I believe that healing is possible for anyone.

Continuing the Journey Together

I know healing can feel overwhelming, but I want you to know that it’s worth it. Take small steps, keep going, and remember: you’re not alone. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but each step brings you closer to the peace and freedom you deserve. And if sharing my story helps even one person, then every part of my journey has been worth it.

If you’re looking for support, I’ve started a private Facebook group for people healing from narcissistic abuse. It’s a safe space where we can grow together. I hope you’ll join us and find a little of the comfort and strength that I’ve found. Take that first step. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Just start, believe in yourself, and know that change is possible.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com