The Shame Game – Why Narcissists Always Win (And How to Break Free)

The Shame Game – Narcissists Always Win

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt trapped, constantly trying to fix things, but no matter how hard you worked, nothing changed? You’re left drained, questioning yourself, and wondering why it’s so difficult to leave. That’s the shame game, and if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s a game you’ll never win.

I’ve been there. No amount of logical thinking or rationalizing helped me escape the grip of narcissistic abuse.

I always thought, I know better, so why can’t I do better?

The truth is, it’s not that simple. Narcissists don’t just control you through manipulation and lies; they control you through shame. And shame is one of the lowest vibrations of energy a person can experience.

To escape, you need to understand the energy at play and muster the courage to push through that sticky, uncomfortable door that separates you from freedom.

The Door to Freedom

Let’s talk about the door. Imagine you’re standing in front of it, ready to leave your toxic relationship.

The door represents the threshold between your current life—filled with pain, shame, and disappointment—and the possibility of something better.

You know what’s on your side of the door, even if you don’t like it. The abuse, the manipulation, the emotional roller coaster—it’s all familiar.

But the other side? That’s the unknown, and the unknown is terrifying.

You reach for the door, pull on the handle and the door swings freely inwards, but there’s a film covering the opening—a sticky, gooey membrane that you have to push through. The film represents all the emotional baggage that’s keeping you stuck: shame, guilt, apathy, grief, and fear. It’s not just about physically leaving the relationship; it’s about breaking through those emotions that have bound you to the narcissist.

And here’s the hard part: to get through the door, you have to strip down. Not physically, but emotionally. You have to be completely naked—vulnerable, honest, and raw. You have to drop all the excuses, the justifications, the hope that things will change, and see the relationship for what it really is. Only then can you start to break free.

The Levels of Consciousness and Energy

Now, let’s dive deeper into what makes walking through that door so difficult. It all comes down to energy and levels of consciousness. Emotions like shame, guilt, and fear operate at low energy frequencies, and narcissists know how to keep you trapped in these low vibrations.

Shame is the lowest vibration, the most toxic emotion. It’s the sense that something is fundamentally wrong with you, that you’re broken or unworthy. Narcissists are masters at cultivating shame in their victims because it keeps you small, quiet, and easily controlled.

Above shame is guilt. This is where the infamous "guilt trip" comes into play. The narcissist will make you feel responsible for their unhappiness, their failures, and their emotional outbursts. It’s always your fault, and you’re constantly trying to fix things to avoid feeling guilty.

Above guilt is apathy. This is when you start to feel emotionally numb. The relationship has worn you down so much that you feel like giving up. You stop caring, but not in a healthy way—it's more like a defense mechanism because the emotional pain has become too much to bear.

Then comes grief. Grief is the sorrow you feel for what you’ve lost in the relationship—your sense of self, your time, your energy, your dreams. It’s the sadness of realizing that this relationship is not what you wanted it to be and never will be.

Next is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being alone. Fear of what might happen if you leave. Narcissists know how to feed this fear, making you believe that you’ll be nothing without them, that no one else will want you, that you can’t survive on your own.

But here’s the good news: beyond fear lies courage. Courage is what gets you to the door. It’s what gives you the strength to consider leaving, to imagine a life outside the narcissist’s control.

Feel the emotion of the courage, imagine the life that you want beyond the door. You have to carry that courage with you as you push through the membrane, facing all those lower-level emotions that will try to pull you back.

When you overcome the fear, there is a rapid acceleration as your energy surges past desire, anger, and pride. The energy that you focused towards your innermost self to create the courage is now balanced and resonates both inwardly and outwardly. This becomes the tipping point, the place where you can walk away from the abuse freely.

How Energy Affects You in Narcissistic Relationships

When you’re in a narcissistic relationship, your energy is constantly being drained. Narcissists are emotional vampires—they feed on your shame, your guilt, your fear. The more they can lower your vibration, the easier it is for them to control you. You find yourself stuck in a cycle of highs and lows, constantly being pulled down to these lower levels of consciousness.

What you may not realize is that the narcissist lives in shame too. They just hide it better. Narcissists sense shame deeply, but instead of feeling it, they project it onto you. They create situations that make you feel ashamed, while they mask their own shame with arrogance, grandiosity, and manipulation.

And here’s where people-pleasers like us get stuck. We focus on fixing their shame, thinking that if we help them, we’ll somehow help ourselves. But it doesn’t work that way. You’ll never be able to fix a narcissist. They have no intention of dealing with their shame, and they’ll keep creating chaos to avoid facing it. Meanwhile, you’re left exhausted, trying to patch up holes in a sinking ship.

Stop Playing the Shame Game

You have to realize that the only way to win is to stop playing. Narcissists will never stop feeding on your shame, and they’ll never stop creating situations that make you feel like you’re not enough. The only way to escape is to walk through that door, to push through the sticky film of emotions that’s keeping you stuck.

Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. But on the other side of that door is freedom. Freedom from shame, freedom from guilt, and freedom from the endless cycle of emotional abuse.

Here’s what I need you to understand: You can’t change a narcissist, but you can change yourself. You can choose to raise your energy, to operate at higher levels of consciousness, and to reclaim your power. It all starts with courage—the courage to look at the truth, to accept that this relationship isn’t healthy, and to walk away.

How to Raise Your Energy and Break Free

1. Acknowledge the Shame: Recognize that shame isn’t yours to carry. It was introduced into your life by someone more powerful—whether it was a parent, a teacher, or the narcissist. Let go of the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you.

2. Focus on Self-Love: Start turning your energy inward. Stop trying to fix the narcissist and start nurturing yourself. Self-love is a powerful way to raise your energy and move out of low-vibration states like shame and guilt.

3. Surround Yourself with Positivity: The people you surround yourself with matter. Seek out those who elevate you, who vibrate at higher frequencies, and who want to see you grow.

4. Keep Your Courage: When you feel fear creeping in, remind yourself that you’ve already made it this far. You’ve had the courage to recognize the problem, and that same courage will carry you through the door.

5. Release the Need for Validation: Narcissists thrive on keeping you trapped by making you feel like you need their approval. But you don’t. You are enough, exactly as you are. You don’t need anyone’s validation to live a full, happy life.

Walking through that door isn’t easy, but it’s necessary if you want to stop playing the shame game. It’s time to reclaim your power, raise your energy, and break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

You deserve more than this. You deserve a life where love is mutual, trust is genuine, and shame has no place.

So take a deep breath, muster your courage, and step through the door. Freedom is waiting on the other side.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com