The Narcissist’s Secret Weapon: How “Flying Monkeys” Keep You Trapped

What Exactly Are “Flying Monkeys”?

In the famous story,The Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch of the West had these winged monkey minions who would do her bidding, no questions asked. They weren’t evil themselves, but they helped her carry out her plans.

Flying monkeys is a term that helps explain the role of enablers in the narcissist’s life, drawn from the famous winged creatures sent out by the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz. They help the narcissist do their bidding, often without even realizing it.

These aren’t random people—they’re often people close to you or the narcissist, people you might trust. Their well-meaning, casual interactions can make you second-guess yourself, confuse your boundaries, and even question whether the abuse is real.

How Flying Monkeys Keep You Trapped in Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists are skilled at controlling how people see them, and they use flying monkeys—friends, family, or other supporters—to help build and protect a perfect image of themselves.

This group creates a fake "normal" around the narcissist, making you feel like you’re the only one who sees their dark side. When everyone around you thinks the narcissist is wonderful, it’s easy to wonder if maybe you’re the one who’s wrong.

In my experience, one of the narcissist’s friends seemed supportive and neutral, acting as if she understood my side. She would listen to my struggles, making me think she was on my side, but she’d then pass everything I shared back to him.

Without even realizing it, she was giving him information he could use to control and manipulate me further. She probably didn’t mean to hurt me. More likely, she saw her behavior as supporting the relationship, but the results of her actions kept me feeling trapped and more confused.

One of the hardest parts of dealing with flying monkeys is that they usually don’t know they’re being used.

Since they only see the charming or kind side of the narcissist, they assume you see that same side—maybe even an "extra special" romantic version of it.

When you try to explain the narcissist’s behavior to them, they brush it off as normal “relationship issues.” Their belief in the narcissist can make you doubt yourself even more.

This unwillingness to see the narcissist’s real behavior isn’t just stubbornness. Most people don’t like to admit they might have misjudged someone close to them.

Admitting they were wrong would also mean admitting they played a part in keeping you trapped. Narcissists know this, so they choose people who will believe their "good side" and support their story. This keeps you isolated in a web of self-doubt, guilt, and confusion.

Understanding that these flying monkeys are part of the narcissist's system makes it clear why breaking free feels so tough.

By recognizing their role in keeping you confused and doubting yourself, you can start to take back control over your own reality.

Flying Monkeys in Action: My Experience

I only learned the term “Flying Monkeys” in the last few years, but looking back, I can now see many instances where they played a role in my confusion and pain.

In my last abusive relationship, these friends were the ones who assured me he was a "good guy." As I began questioning his behavior, they would say, "Give him a chance," or "Maybe it’s something else." Their advice always seemed to align with his narrative, leaving me more lost. My instincts clashed with their logic, and the stress took a toll on me.

I distanced myself from them, too hurt to be around people who seemed to condone his behavior. When I rejoined them, I discovered that he’d told them I’d been absent due to "migraines." This was his cover story, and they accepted it without question. When I tried explaining the truth, their discomfort was obvious—like I was disrupting a story they preferred to believe.

Eventually, after one of his drunken fits of rage, he kicked me out of our home. I was heartbroken.

When I reached out to some women in our friend group who had often said, “We women have to stick together,” their response was anything but supportive.

They minimized the incident as a “lovers' argument” and refused to “choose sides,” indirectly justifying his actions. Their silence said it all.

It felt like they were indirectly justifying his actions, like they were okay with him putting me out in the dead of winter. They never said it outright, but the silence was telling.

Over the following weeks, they reached out to me one-on-one, but their responses were eerily similar. “I get it, but have you thought about how he might feel?” one would say.

“Why do you want to have other friends? You know men and women can’t be ‘just friends’—something’s bound to happen,” another chimed in.

When I pointed out that he had female friends, too, they’d respond with, “Yes, but he’s different.” Somehow, he was allowed these friendships while I was constantly suspected and questioned.

One friend even stopped by to “check on me,” saying he didn’t want to “get involved” but just wanted what was best for me. He went on about how he’d made mistakes in his own relationship, even implying I should be patient, that “everyone makes mistakes.”

He urged me to patch things up, adding that I shouldn't mention he stopped by—apparently to make it clear that he wasn’t “taking sides.”

Looking back, I see how they all subtly pressured me to stay in a situation that was damaging me.

They had become Flying Monkeys, feeding into the narcissist’s narrative and convincing me, little by little, that I was the one who needed to change.

It was an exhausting, isolating experience—one that kept me second-guessing my reality until I finally found the strength to step away.

Signs You’re Being Manipulated by Flying Monkeys

Here are some common signs to help you recognize when someone might be acting as a Flying Monkey:

1. They Dismiss or Downplay Your Concerns

Flying monkeys often have a way of dismissing your feelings, making you feel like you're being petty or overreacting.

I still remember a chilling moment early in that relationship. I was working in retail at the time, and one day, his ex-wife showed up at my workplace. I felt uneasy—the stories he’d told me about her filled my mind.

Yet for a brief moment, it seemed like she wanted to say something, almost as if she’d come to warn me.

When I told my boyfriend about it later, he brushed it off, implying it was typical behavior for her, something she’d do just to make me uncomfortable.

A few days later, while out with friends, I brought it up again. They all chimed in, painting her as the “crazy ex” who was just trying to ruin our happiness. I ended up buying his version of the story.

But deep down, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it. That encounter lingered in my mind for years.

As the relationship wore on and my boyfriend’s behavior became more abusive, I often wondered if his ex-wife had endured the same things.

Yet, the stories he and his flying monkeys shared about her kept me in check.

I didn’t want to become “that crazy ex” they’d described. They constantly reassured me that I was “better than her.” But better at what—accepting abuse?

After I finally left him, one of the women from our friend group reached out, and we met for drinks. She acted caring, and I still believed she was a friend.

I mentioned my nagging feeling about his ex-wife and recalled that she once mentioned they were still in touch.

When I asked if she could connect me with the ex, she seemed uncomfortable but played it off, saying she hadn’t spoken to her recently but would pass on my number.

In that moment, I felt the sting of betrayal. I realized it was her friendship that had made my ex-boyfriend's version of events about his ex-wife seem credible.

Seeing that both she and her boyfriend stayed close to my boyfriend after his divorce made him seem trustworthy.

I thought, if he had really been abusive to his ex-wife, surely these nice people wouldn’t have chosen him over her, right? Their friendship with him reassured me and had made me doubt any red flags I might have noticed.

Months later, I managed to find his ex-wife online. I learned she had endured abuse similar to mine. She, too, had been accused of cheating, a tactic he used to isolate her from outside support.

My gut had been right all along—she’d wanted to warn me. But back then, I’d been too wrapped up in the “jealous ex” story they’d spun for me to see the truth.

2. They Try to Make You Feel Guilty for Setting Boundaries

Flying Monkeys are experts at using guilt to pull you back in, pressuring you to put aside your own comfort just to stay part of the group.

I remember feeling torn, wondering if I was wrong for wanting some distance and clarity. When I first tried setting boundaries, some people would say things like, “Are you okay? You seem different,” or “They’re hurt by the distance.” It made me question if I was being selfish or unkind.

In reality, I was just reevaluating the relationships. Three years had gone by, and I could see patterns that felt self-destructive.

Most of the women in the group were out of shape, and we all drank heavily. Though no one admitted it, we were definitely drinking too much, pretending to be “happy women” just having a good time.

It was all part of a facade—that we were vibrant, desirable women who had it all. Our men were “lucky” to have us, and we kept things together for them.

But the abuse I was going through made me question this image. If I was so great, why did my boyfriend constantly insult and humiliate me?

I started pointing out these things to the other women, even noticing similar hints in their relationships. Like one woman’s boyfriend holding her by the back of her neck while he talked to her—a subtle control move.

I thought that if I set boundaries, they might support me, and maybe we could all make some positive changes together. I even suggested cutting back on drinking at our get-togethers and trying activities like walking or jogging instead.

They agreed at first, but soon I noticed a shift. Instead of support, they started subtly undermining me. If I turned down another drink, they’d say, “You used to be fun. You’re just not drunk enough!”

They’d dismiss their own boyfriends’ insults, laughing them off, while my boyfriend would look at me as if to say, “Why can’t you be more like that?”

It was all in the little things. Whenever I stood up for myself, they’d model submission, leaving me feeling guilty, confused, and alone.

3. They Pressure You to “Make Things Right”

Flying Monkeys often push hard for reconciliation. I remember one friend telling me, “Just let it go; be the bigger person.” She proudly shared how she had adjusted her life to keep her partner happy, presenting her relationship as a model for mine.

She recounted a time when she was thriving in her passion for food, working as a buyer for a café and loving her visits to farmers markets. It brought her immense joy.

But when her boyfriend grew resentful of the time she spent away, wanting her home when he was, she quit. She set aside her passion for his satisfaction.

As she spoke, her story was framed as a noble act of love, yet the pain in her eyes told another tale. She missed those moments of fulfillment but believed sacrificing them was the right thing to do.

Her message to me was clear: making your partner happy was paramount, and I should follow suit.

My boyfriend had expressed to hers that he disliked my choice of friends and resented my time spent with people outside our circle. It became apparent that my friend had been tasked with steering me back into compliance—to make things “right” again.

These enablers paint “fixing things” as the only noble option. But every time I did, it would reset the cycle of manipulation, making me feel trapped all over again, and for a while, I almost believed that walking away from the relationship meant I was weak or unforgiving.

4. They Gossip or Spread Lies

Flying Monkeys often act as messengers, spreading the narcissist’s distorted version of events to isolate you further.

I eventually realized that mutual acquaintances were hearing a twisted version of my story, which painted me as “difficult” or “naive.”

It was infuriating to know that someone I once trusted was manipulating others against me. Even worse was the realization that no one was interested in my side of the story.

They approached me as if they already knew the truth, convinced by the few overlapping details between their version and mine—enough, in their minds, to validate their narrative and dismiss mine, even though it was my life they were talking about.

During the time I stopped attending social events, the word around was that I was unwell and suffering from migraines. In reality, my hair was falling out from the stress and abuse I endured.

When I finally returned to social gatherings, people approached me with unwarranted confidence, offering advice on how to deal with migraines and sharing their own experiences. When I corrected them and explained my hair loss and relationship issues, they continued discussing migraines as if I hadn’t said a word.

Pushing further, I discovered they all believed my hair loss was due to my supposed “cheating” and that my stress stemmed from shame over my actions.

My boyfriend had taken messages from my phone and spun them into a story of infidelity that everyone bought into. No one questioned why he had invaded my privacy. The image of me was crafted by his stories, woven cleverly with just enough truth to make them believable.

Yet, no one asked the obvious: if I was truly a naive, cheating woman, why stay with me? If he had all this “proof,” why hadn’t he left me? It didn’t add up. Instead, it served his narrative of being the devoted, heartbroken partner—another victim of betrayal, just like with his ex-wife.

5. They Emphasize the Narcissist’s Needs Over Yours

Flying Monkeys can make you feel as though you’re expected to be endlessly patient and forgiving, to the point where you begin to question your own rights in the relationship.

I vividly recall moments when people would ask me, “Have you thought about how he felt?” The focus was always on the narcissist’s comfort and emotions, while my needs were consistently overlooked.

Maintaining connections with anyone beyond their control was clearly an issue. When I stood firm on my boundaries, my boyfriend would say things like, “I just don’t like the influence he has over you.” The irony was that there was no influence—at least, not in the way he implied.

I was making decisions about my boundaries independently. I had grown tired of the monotonous cycle of weekly gatherings fueled by alcohol, where conversations were predictable and stagnant. No one seemed to evolve or change. I found a friend who challenged me intellectually, and that was the real influence.

I had long wanted deeper conversations within our circle, but every attempt I made to shift the dynamic was thwarted. Now, they all wanted me to prioritize his feelings. But what about me? Why should I have to endure the same pointless cycle that was only making everyone more unwell?

When I discovered the positive effects of microdosing psilocybin, it clarified things even more. Yet, this was something else my boyfriend disapproved of.

Although one of the women in our group had originally been my source for the capsules, she abruptly cut me off when he expressed his displeasure.

When I asked her why she felt the need to disclose this to him, she stumbled over her explanation. It all boiled down to not wanting to be involved in anything he didn’t approve of.

It didn’t matter that we were adults or that it was my choice. Her loyalty was to him, even though she had positioned herself as my best friend in the group.

Why Flying Monkeys Have So Much Influence

Flying Monkeys often hold a unique power over us because they’re people we trust. They form part of what feels like a support system for you and your relationship, creating a sense of reliability.

In healthy relationships, this support system is essential for our well-being. As social creatures, these networks help us navigate life and build resilience. They provide timely information and strengthen our ability to thrive.

Our interconnectedness is what makes us such a dominant species; our networks give us strength, especially when they uphold shared purposes while respecting personal choices. But when these networks are manipulated for control, they enslave us to the most dominant person in the group.

One of the hardest parts of realizing you’ve been in a narcissistic abusive relationship is the profound pain and loss—first, towards the person you loved when you understand they weren’t who you thought they were.

But after leaving, an even harsher truth emerges: the entire social system around you was complicit in the abuse.

For me, facing this betrayal was a double blow—losing people I cared about while grappling with the full extent of the narcissist’s influence.

These enablers often knew exactly how to push my buttons, and for a long time, I doubted myself because they genuinely seemed to have my best interests at heart.

When I finally saw how the Flying Monkeys operated in the narcissist’s favor, the bigger picture came into focus. It wasn’t about them “helping” me; it was about the narcissist using them to keep me compliant, uncertain, and trapped.

How to Protect Yourself

If you suspect that someone is acting as a Flying Monkey, here are some steps to help you regain control and peace of mind:

1. Trust Your Gut

My intuition was my most powerful guide. Whenever a conversation with a Flying Monkey left me feeling guilty, wrong, or overly self-critical, I took a step back. Trusting your instincts is crucial, especially when others try to twist your perception.

2. Politely Set Boundaries

Saying “I’d rather not discuss that” or “I have my reasons” became my go-to response. Not everyone deserves access to your emotions or explanations, especially if they’ve shown they don’t respect your side of the story.

3. Limit Information Shared with Known Flying Monkeys

The fewer details I shared, the less fuel there was for manipulation. Flying Monkeys often twist personal details into reasons why you should bend or give in. If you suspect someone is aligning with the narcissist, consider keeping the conversation light or focused on safe, non-personal topics.

4. Seek Validation from Supportive People

Finding people who genuinely respected my perspective helped restore my self-confidence. Seeking a therapist, talking to non-biased friends, and finding supportive communities gave me a sense of relief that I didn’t have to be alone in understanding what I was going through.

5. Hold Onto Your Version of Reality

Keeping a journal saved me from falling into gaslighting traps. Writing down events and my feelings gave me a tangible record to reflect on, reminding me that my experiences and feelings were valid, even when others tried to twist them.

Moving Forward and Building Boundaries

Realizing that people in your life have acted as Flying Monkeys can be deeply painful.

Trust yourself—you have the power to regain control of your life.

Identifying who the Flying Monkeys are is a critical step in freeing yourself from the narcissist’s grip and moving toward the peace and independence you deserve.

Even after you decide to leave, Flying Monkeys may continue to linger. It can be surreal when people reach out months or even years later under the guise of “checking in.”

I’ve learned to evaluate these relationships with care and set boundaries to protect my peace. Rebuilding a support system with friends who aren’t tied to the narcissist, though challenging, has proven to be incredibly healing.

Looking back, the most difficult part wasn’t just the abuse itself—it was the betrayal by people I believed I could trust.

Yet each time I trusted my intuition and took steps toward building my independence, I reclaimed a piece of myself.

Healing starts with connection. Find your tribe and reclaim your strength!

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letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com