The Female Narcissist and the "Help Me" Trap

A World That Normalizes the "Help Me" Trap

For years, I didn't realize I was part of a larger pattern—a dynamic that society had almost unanimously accepted and even celebrated. Everywhere I looked, the message was clear: sacrificing your own needs and goals was a noble act, the very essence of love. There’s a fine line between supporting your partner and losing yourself, but in my environment, that line was more of a blur.

I saw this every day in friends, family, and social circles. Stories of partners who "did everything" for their loved one were told like folklore, a kind of idealized devotion that was supposed to be enviable.

Men and women alike would praise their partner’s willingness to “do whatever it takes” to make the relationship work. But no one talked about what was lost along the way.

When I began to feel frustrated with my own situation, it seemed like everyone around me was completely fine with it. They would tell me, "That's just how it is," or "That's what you do when you love someone." And so, for a long time, I assumed they were right, that there was something wrong with me for questioning it.

The Red Flag I Missed

Looking back, I can pinpoint a moment that should have clued me in. I don’t know when I became a target for this type of manipulation. I was a people-pleaser before I even knew what that meant, and I didn’t recognize how easily I could be drawn into someone’s game.

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and I was single, young, and feeling good. I was making my way through a department store, ready to buy myself some new running shoes.

Then, out of nowhere, I saw her—a slim, attractive woman, struggling to reach a shoe on display. Without thinking, I offered to help. She accepted with a smile, and that one small act turned my morning into a three-month whirlwind.

She was captivating: charming, witty, full of life. And I was hooked. But one day, as we were talking about the day we met, she let me in on her little “trick.” With a sly smile, she confessed, “Oh, you thought you saved me by getting that shoe? I actually put it up there when I saw you coming.”

Her words hit me like a brick. All this time, I’d thought I was making a noble move, but she’d set me up. “Don’t look so sad,” she said with a laugh. “You should be flattered—I saw what I wanted, and I just had to have it.”

But I didn’t feel flattered. I felt manipulated. I would have laughed it off if she’d told me earlier, but we were three months in, and I still didn’t know much about her beyond her sense of humor and a fast-paced relationship that left me wondering where it was going. I didn’t realize back then that she was always in control, playing a game I didn’t know I was part of.

The “Help Me” Trap in Marriage: When Asking Favors Becomes Control

Fast forward a few years, and I’m now married. I hadn’t noticed any of those sneaky traits in my wife when we were dating, but looking back, I wonder if she had deliberately hidden them.

We talked about past relationships, and I shared my experience with manipulative girlfriends. Maybe she used that information to keep certain things under wraps. But eventually, the "help me trap" came into play. And at first, I didn’t see it as manipulation. I thought it was just normal behavior.

The “Help Me” Trap works like this: she’d ask me to do small tasks, things she could do herself if she tried, but she’d ask me instead. She’d ask nicely—compliments, maybe a touch on the arm, or even a hint that if I did this one thing for her, she’d be “in the mood” later.

Now, here’s where it got tricky: I was willing to help. I just didn’t need the “carrot” of potential sex to do it. I figured that was something we’d both enjoy when the time was right.

But with her, it became transactional. If I didn’t meet her requests or resisted, there was no intimacy. And gradually, I started feeling more like a task-doer than a partner.

Realizing It’s Not Love, It’s Control

Years went by with this pattern. Petty fights, stupid tasks to maybe get some “reward” that night—it all started to wear me down. On the surface we looked like the perfect couple, putting on a show was what she did best. Inside I was struggling with my emotions. I was feeling burnt out and unfulfilled.

This “Help Me” trap had turned what should have been a loving relationship into a transaction. As I looked around, I noticed other men caught in similar traps. They didn’t seem to mind, as if trading favors for love was just “normal.” But I started to see things differently.

It wasn’t until I began noticing other couples who didn’t play these games that I saw something was wrong—or rather, not right for me.

On Sundays, I’d go hiking with friends, where I met couples who shared responsibilities and treated each other with respect. Their relationships weren’t based on obligation.

They were self-sufficient and didn’t expect chivalrous gestures at every turn. These women didn’t wait for their husbands to carry their water or open their doors—they handled things themselves, yet they were just as feminine and graceful.

Seeing these couples made me realize what I’d been missing. I didn’t want a relationship built on manipulation and guilt, where I had to “earn” my partner’s affection by completing chores. I wanted a partnership of equals, where love flowed freely and wasn’t held as a reward.

I envied that. Meanwhile, my wife would wait outside the car, expecting me to come around and open the door for her, like she couldn’t pull the handle herself. After weeks of this, I snapped. I didn’t want to be her servant or her ticket to a certain lifestyle. I wanted a partner.

One Friday morning, she stood outside the car, waiting for me to open her door. I was late for work, and I had had enough. I rolled down the window and, with a quiet anger, told her, “Get in the car or catch the bus. I’m done with this.” That morning set off a chain reaction of arguments, and then the ultimate punishment: two months of no intimacy.

The Other Side of Love: A World Beyond the “Help Me” Trap

Eventually, I realized that this “help me” trap was just a form of control. It was her way of making sure I prioritized her needs over my own. And it’s not uncommon; I saw many other relationships operate the same way, with one partner constantly performing tasks in exchange for love or intimacy.

But I discovered there’s a world beyond this, where relationships don’t revolve around obligation or manipulation. In healthy partnerships, each person takes care of themselves and brings their best to the relationship without needing to “earn” love. There are no IOUs, no rewards for good behavior—just two people giving freely because they want to, not because they have to.

Breaking Free: Choosing a Love Built on Mutual Respect

If you recognize any of this in your relationship, there’s hope. There’s another way to love, one where both partners stand as whole, independent people. There’s no waiting outside the car door or exchanging favors for intimacy. It’s a place where you can be your best self, share in each other’s abundance, and create a love that’s freely given—not bargained for.

So if you’re feeling trapped by obligation and manipulation, it might be time to consider what’s possible beyond the “help me” trap. There’s a new world waiting, where love is built on mutual respect and partnership—not on playing games.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com