Stalker: Unwanted Love

Stalking Behaviors in Relationships

Hey there,

Let’s talk about something tricky but important: stalking. It’s one of those things that can sneak up on you, especially when it’s happening in a relationship. We’re often told love is about going the extra mile, but what if that mile feels forced, uncomfortable, or downright scary?

Here’s the truth: stalking doesn’t always look like what we see in movies. It can be subtle and confusing, especially when it’s wrapped in the disguise of love. I learned this the hard way.

I understand how hard it is to see someone you love as a stalker, especially in the early stages of the relationship. Trust me, I’ve been there. Back then, I didn’t recognize the signs or even fully understand what stalking could look like in a relationship.

I felt uneasy with the unwanted behaviors my partner kept doing, but everyone around me made me feel like I was overreacting for not appreciating that kind of attention.

Years later, when it became undeniably clear that I was being stalked, I couldn’t help but ask myself: What had I overlooked? Now that I understand what stalking truly is, I can’t help but wonder what I could have done differently to avoid the manipulation and the fear that took over my life.

What Is Stalking?

Stalking is more than just some random stranger showing up uninvited or following you. It’s a pattern of unwanted behavior that makes you feel like you need to change your routine, makes you uncomfortable, or even leaves you feeling afraid.

For me, it started small—unannounced visits, showing up at places where she knew I’d be, acting like it was a sweet surprise. At first, her unannounced visits felt sweet—like a thoughtful surprise. She would show up at my office with lunch, unplanned.

The first time, I didn’t mind. I had two lunches that day, no big deal. But when it became a pattern, I started feeling uneasy.

I’d already told her I didn’t like surprises like that. I liked having plans, knowing what my day looked like. But every time I asked her to stop, she’d twist it around: “I’m just trying to do something nice for you. Why are you rejecting my love?” Her reaction made me feel like the bad guy.

Over time, I found myself changing my behavior just to avoid upsetting her and leaving the door open for one of her surprises. Without even realizing it, I developed a constant sense of anxiety.

I struggled with simple things like deciding what to eat or do for lunch. I even stopped making plans with colleagues, fearing she might show up unannounced, see me with others, and feel hurt.

It seems subtle, maybe even harmless, but this is exactly what the 'early stages' of being stalked by someone you love can look like. It’s the textbook definition of stalking—a pattern of unwanted behavior that pressures you to change your routine.

This is the time to recognize it for what it is and leave, while you can still avoid the inevitable drama that will come if you stay for years like I did.

3 Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Let me share the signs I wish I had noticed earlier. These red flags were small at first, but looking back, they were glaring warnings:

1. Ignoring Your “No”

When someone can’t take 'no' for an answer, that’s a red flag. Your boundaries—whether about where you want to go, what you enjoy, or what makes you uncomfortable—deserve respect.

We all understand this concept in theory, yet when it comes to someone we deeply care for, we often waver. We allow them to cross lines, then somehow find ways to blame ourselves for it.

In my case, I didn’t like surprises, but she kept showing up at my office unannounced with lunch. The first time? It felt thoughtful. By the second, third, and tenth? Unwanted.

When I expressed how I felt, she flipped the script. 'I was just trying to do something nice for you,' she’d say, leaving me burdened with guilt for speaking up.

If your 'no' is consistently twisted into 'not yet' or dismissed entirely, it’s time to take note. In a healthy relationship, a 'no' to one thing doesn’t mean rejection of the person or the relationship. A caring partner respects boundaries without withholding affection or connection—they stay in their lane because they value you and your comfort.

2. A Pattern of “Love” That Feels More Like Control

Love is about mutual respect, not erasing someone’s individuality.

I started to notice how her “acts of love” always seemed to come with strings attached. If I didn’t respond the way she wanted, her affection would disappear.

For instance, when I asked her not to bring me surprise lunches anymore, she pulled away emotionally, making it clear I’d “failed” some unspoken test.

She had a way of making the withdrawal of her affection feel like physical blows, as if I were standing in the ring with a boxer. It became painfully clear that if I didn’t accept all of her 'love,' then I wasn’t going to receive any affection at all.

Over time, this pattern chipped away at my confidence. I found myself giving in just to avoid the emotional fallout. That’s not love—that’s manipulation.

3. Forcing You to Change Your Routine

Here’s the big one: if someone’s behavior makes you feel like you need to adjust your life to accommodate their unwanted actions, it’s a red flag.

I started skipping lunch plans with colleagues because I never knew when she might show up unannounced. I felt anxious, like I had to remain available just in case. That constant state of anticipation slowly morphed into fear—fear of losing her affection, fear of upsetting her, and fear of the consequences if I pushed back.

When love makes you feel trapped, it’s not love.

Adjusting my routine initially seemed like a reasonable compromise—it silenced the unease of potentially losing her affection. But the relief came with a side of anxiety.

Over time, I wasn’t just tweaking my schedule—I was losing parts of myself. It felt so subtle, so insignificant, that I convinced myself it was a small price to pay for the love I thought I valued.

I weighed the comfort of avoiding her upset against my own discomfort, and time and again, I chose to prioritize her feelings over my boundaries. I didn’t recognize this pattern for what it was: her unwanted behaviors, cloaked as needs and love, steadily overshadowing my own.

Why It’s So Hard to See

Looking back, I didn’t realize I was being stalked because I had a narrow understanding of what stalking looked like. I thought it was something strangers did—not something that could happen within a relationship.

But here’s the truth: stalking isn’t about who’s doing it—it’s about control and fear.

Society complicates this understanding by glorifying certain behaviors, like constant attention or grand gestures, as the ultimate signs of love. But when those actions feel intrusive, erode your boundaries, or create discomfort, they’re not love.

I’ve learned that love is subjective—what feels like love to one person may feel suffocating to another. That’s what made it so hard for me to recognize the stalking.

People around me viewed her gestures as the kind of devotion they’d want for themselves. No one stopped to consider that I didn’t want it. They believed that if I appreciated one thing about her, I should accept everything—even the behaviors that made me deeply uncomfortable.

The idea of having boundaries within romantic love was foreign to everyone around me. They saw her actions as evidence of love and me as the one with trust issues. It didn’t make sense to me, but I went along with it—out of duress and ignorance.

Today, I understand this: love and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. My boundaries exist to protect me. If the person I love can’t respect them and tries to impose someone else’s standards of love onto me, I’ve learned to invite them to pursue that person instead. And I gracefully exit.

Breaking Free

I eventually got out, but it wasn’t easy. I had to rebuild my sense of self after years of feeling like I was someone’s possession. What helped me most was reflecting on what I truly wanted in a relationship: mutual respect, boundaries, and freedom to be myself.

If you’re reading this and any of it feels familiar, take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself:

• Are your boundaries respected?

• Do their actions make you feel valued or controlled?

• Are you constantly changing your routine to avoid conflict or discomfort?

If you’re answering “no” to the first question and “yes” to the others, it’s time to reevaluate.

Final Thoughts

You deserve a love that uplifts you, not one that makes you feel small, anxious, or trapped. Stalking isn’t always easy to spot, especially when it’s happening in a relationship. But if someone’s “love” comes with red flags like ignoring your “no,” controlling your life, or eroding your sense of self, it’s not love—it’s manipulation.

Take it from me: love should never feel like a leash. If you’re seeing the signs, trust your gut and take steps to protect yourself. You’re worth more than unwanted love.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com