Recognizing Gaslighting in Your Relationship and How to Get Out

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is like being trapped in a mental prison.

It is a form of emotional abuse where one person manipulates another into doubting their experiences, often making them feel confused or even insane. It is typically used to gain power and control in a relationship, and it can happen gradually, leaving the victim unsure of what’s real.

Imprisoned?

Stop, I know what you are thinking. Just let me explain. I didn't do anything wrong.

Was I guilty? Yes. I plead guilty, but I thought the sentence was going to match the crime.

No, no, just listen. I know it sounds crazy, me telling you a story about breaking out of prison but you gotta keep reading, because you may be in prison too.

How it started

I was young and maybe a little naive. I met a person, we talked for a while, we became friends and next thing you know I am falling for them. I think they called it being in love but I never liked the term. I preferred to just call it love.

I did love them, I enjoyed the times we had together in those early days. Passion and pleasure, long talks on the phone, and the weird frustrated feeling I got when I hadn’t seen them for a couple of days.

My friends tried to warn me

Back in those days I had some good friends. When I started missing a get together here and there they didn't mind. But eventually, I started to become more distant, you know, caught up with a new interest.

They tried to warn me. They called it the ‘ole ball and chain’. I just laughed it off. If loving them was wrong I didn't want to right. My friends told me, “You are too young for this. Why don’t you wait a bit longer, see how things go?”

I kinda agreed, after all I was not the marrying type. I did not believe in that stuff about vows before a god, but that was their thing, so off I went to get a ball and chain.

Sentenced

When I first arrived at the facility, I was placed in the minimum security section. I kinda liked it there. It was alright. It was a bit restrictive but not too much. I could still go outside, meet up with friends, but more like community service. I couldn’t just go because I wanted to go, but if there was a scheduled event then it was alright.

The warden would accompany me sometimes but for the most part I was free to move around.

It was not the most comfortable situation but I met some other people who were in for the same crime and they seemed to love it.

The first transfer

The sirens blasted and lights strobed. I still don't know to this day what it is that I did but the warden ordered a transfer from community service into the general population.

I was confused. I noticed the weird side eye and silent treatment for a few days but I didn’t know what the issue was. Whatever it was, I was supposed to know it and apparently if the warden had to tell me then it meant I wasn’t a good prisoner.

General Pop

General population was more restrictive than minimum security. There was no more community service and all outings were supervised. There was still access to conjugal visits, so I made the adjustment and just got on with life.

I had formed a few connections with some other people in general pop, new people, people that the warden knew. The warden trusted them and so I trusted them too.

Every now and then I would get a phone call from outside. An old friend would call to see how I was doing. I enjoyed chatting with my friends from outside. What I didn’t understand was that the calls were being monitored. I had my own cell phone. I thought it was private. Turned out I was sadly mistaken. The warden could check my text messages, voice mail and any photos I took.

I tried to argue that this was an invasion of privacy, but that did not go down well.

It turns out that General Pop was full of snitches. When I tried to gain some support for my argument about privacy, I quickly came to learn who my real friends were. Yup, they were all outside.

Solitary Confinement

I made too much noise about wanting my ‘freedom’ back. I just wanted to get back to community service. The warden would have none of it. They told me that the reason I was moved in the first place was because I was making too many friends in community service and they didn’t like that. Now I would have to learn my lesson the hard way if I wanted to be allowed to return to General Pop.

There I was, completely isolated. I was escorted everywhere and got conjugal visits for the special days but that was depending on how I behaved.

Solitary confinement was hard, I knew I was going crazy, I knew I was going to break if I didn’t break out.

Prison Labour

I was allowed to leave solitary confinement for the mandatory work sessions. Yes, you have to go to work in prison. Work was hard and I hated it. The only good thing about it was that occasionally I could have a quick chat with another inmate or two. I came to learn that some inmates seemed to like being in solitary confinement. They didn’t mind the humiliation and insults from their warden. They never complained about anything. In fact, they looked rather content.

I was confused, I asked, “don’t you know you are in solitary confinement?” They laughed at my bewilderment. One guy shouted, “Happy warden, happy life”.

My warden often looked happy when I was being escorted but they would always make fun of me in front of the other wardens. I knew they could all see it on my face, the humiliation, but they would say I was too sensitive and it was only a joke.

Prison Break

I finally made an acquaintance who seemed a little different to the other inmates. One day as we waited in line to load into the work vans, I heard them say, “you’re not crazy, it happens to me too.” I was shocked, I used to see them with their warden all the time looking all cozy and comfy. Who would have thought?

They were making a plan to break out. I listened with intrigue to their elaborate plan. I will spare you the details. All I knew was that they were there one day and the next day they were gone. Their warden came looking for them but not one of the other snitches knew how the escape went down. I wasn’t involved, I just knew it happened because of all the commotion.

I was too afraid to escape, I had heard many awful stories about other inmates trying to escape but ending up losing everything and having to come crawling back.

It was not for another year or so when I finally got the courage to jump the wall on the way back from work. I ran like a bat out of hell that day. I can’t give too many details because I'm still in hiding.

I am grateful though for the inmate who had the courage to tell me that I wasn’t crazy. I am free today because someone showed me a way out of prison. I am hoping to do the same for you.

Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

1. Constant Denial of Your Experience

A common tactic in gaslighting is denying or dismissing your feelings and experiences. The gaslighter may say things like, “That never happened,” “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re being too sensitive.” This can make you doubt your memories and emotions.

2. Frequent Lying or Misrepresentation

Gaslighters often lie, even about small details, and will maintain their falsehoods even when you confront them with the truth. This leads to confusion and makes you start questioning your own recollection of events.

3. Blaming You for Their Behavior

Gaslighters deflect responsibility by blaming you for their actions. They might say, “If you weren’t so difficult, I wouldn’t act this way,” or “You’re the one who’s causing the problem, not me.” This shifts the blame onto you and can erode your sense of self-worth.

4. Isolation from Friends and Family

The abuser may try to isolate you from supportive people in your life, convincing you that they’re the only one you can trust. They may say things like, “Your family doesn’t really care about you” or “Your friends are bad for you.” This increases their control over you.

5. Making You Feel Insecure

Over time, gaslighting can make you feel like you can’t trust your own judgment. You may become overly reliant on your partner for validation or guidance, feeling like you’re not capable of making decisions on your own.

6. Emotional Roller Coasters

The gaslighter may switch between affection and cruelty, leaving you in a constant state of emotional uncertainty. One minute they’re loving, and the next, they’re dismissive or mean. This keeps you off-balance and makes you more dependent on them for emotional stability.

How to Get Out of a Gaslighting Relationship

1. Acknowledge the Reality

The first step to breaking free from gaslighting is recognizing that it’s happening. Trust your gut feelings. If something feels wrong in your relationship, don’t dismiss it. Keep a journal of interactions where you felt confused or manipulated to track patterns of gaslighting.

2. Set Boundaries

Once you recognize gaslighting, it’s important to set firm boundaries. Let your partner know that their behavior is unacceptable and that you won’t tolerate being manipulated. This can be difficult, especially if the gaslighter reacts negatively, but it’s a necessary step in protecting your emotional health.

3. Seek Support

Gaslighting thrives in isolation. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide perspective and support. Talking to someone outside the relationship can help you see the manipulation more clearly and gain the confidence to take action.

4. Detach from the Gaslighter’s Narrative

Stop trying to get the gaslighter to see things from your perspective or to validate your feelings—they won’t. Their goal is to maintain control, not to understand you. Instead, focus on validating your own feelings and experiences.

5. Make an Exit Plan

If the gaslighting continues despite your efforts to address it, it may be time to leave the relationship. This can be a difficult decision, but your emotional and mental health should be the priority. Plan your exit carefully, especially if the relationship has been abusive in other ways. Ensure you have a support system in place.

6. Rebuild Your Self-Esteem

Once you’ve left the relationship, it’s essential to focus on healing. Gaslighting can leave deep emotional scars, including self-doubt and insecurity. Engage in activities that rebuild your confidence, such as therapy, self-care practices, and reconnecting with people who uplift you.

Conclusion

Gaslighting is a harmful form of emotional abuse that can leave you questioning your sense of reality. Recognizing the signs is the first step toward breaking free. Trust your instincts, seek support, and take steps to protect yourself. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are valued, respected, and loved—never manipulated or controlled.

If you're struggling with gaslighting in your relationship, remember: you have the power to take control of your life, set boundaries, and find happiness outside of manipulation.