Narcissistic Sabotage: Betrayed by False Support
Your hopes and dreams should bring you joy - right? What happens when the person you trust most uses your hopes to manipulate and control you? Uncover the subtle ways narcissists sabotage your success and take back control of your life.
RELATIONSHIPSTRAUMA & ABUSE
Tyrone
12/7/20244 min read
How Narcissists Use Your Hopes and Dreams Against You
In a healthy relationship, sharing your hopes and dreams strengthens the bond between you and your partner. When your goals overlap, it creates a deeper connection, turning your relationship into a true partnership. You’re more than lovers—you’re teammates, cheering each other on and growing together.
But when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, this dynamic becomes toxic. They don’t nurture your dreams; they use them to control, manipulate, and sabotage you.
It can be hard to spot, and sometimes it takes a while before you recognize the betrayal hidden behind their impressions of support. Their interest may seem genuine, but over time, you’ll notice that their encouragement is conditional—meant to benefit them, not you.
The Illusion of Support
When I first got married, I was excited to share my dreams with someone who seemed so genuinely interested in me. Growing up, I experienced neglect from my mother, so having someone ask about my ambitions and cheer me on felt incredible.
I’d talk about my vision of success, and my wife would respond with enthusiasm. She’d tell me I was smart, capable, and destined for great things. At the time, I thought, This is what love looks like—someone who believes in me.
But as time passed, I realized her “support” wasn’t about me. She was checking to see how my goals could benefit her. She made me feel like my dreams were ours, but only so long as they served her needs.
Insight: Narcissists often show interest in your dreams to create an illusion of connection. It’s not genuine; it’s transactional. They’ll keep you invested by pretending to care, but their true motive is to use your success for their gain.
Solution: Pay attention to whether your partner’s support is consistent through ups and downs. Genuine support feels steady, even when things don’t go as planned. If their interest fades when challenges arise, it’s a red flag.
The Subtle Undermining
At first, everything felt aligned. I worked hard, fueled by the belief that we were building a life together. But when I faced setbacks, her response shifted. She wasn’t there to encourage me. Instead, she’d say things like:
“Maybe you’re just not cut out for this.”
“How does this failure make me look?”
“I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.”
These comments stung, but I brushed them off, thinking maybe I was being too sensitive. I’d tell myself, She doesn’t mean it that way. But over time, I started doubting myself.
Looking back, I see how these subtle jabs were designed to erode my confidence. My failures were mine to carry alone, but my successes? Those were hers to claim.
Insight: Narcissists undermine you by planting seeds of doubt, often disguised as jokes or “helpful” criticism. They frame it as constructive feedback, but the intent is to make you question your worth.
Solution: Trust your gut. If their words consistently leave you feeling small or inadequate, it’s worth exploring whether their “support” is actually manipulation.
Sabotage Disguised as Concern
One of the hardest things to recognize was how my wife’s interference was disguised as concern. Whenever I stayed late at work or networked to grow my business, she’d say things like:
“Why are you spending so much time with those people?”
“Don’t forget about me.”
“Is all this work really worth it?”
She claimed to want our success, but her actions told a different story. On one hand, she wanted the financial benefits of my work. On the other, she resented the time and energy it took.
At social events, she’d charm everyone while sneaking in comments that undermined me. When a client praised me, she’d joke, “Yeah, he’s great at work, but he still needs me to remind him to make the bed!” It was hurtful, but she dismissed my feelings, saying I was overreacting or ungrateful.
Insight: Narcissists often sabotage you under the guise of care or humor. They might question your priorities or insert themselves into situations to control the narrative.
Solution: Reflect on whether their actions align with their words. Genuine concern focuses on your well-being, not their ego. If their “concern” consistently holds you back, it’s time to set boundaries.
The Turning Point
Eventually, I realized my wife wasn’t a partner—she was an obstacle. She claimed to be part of my team, but her actions drained me. I lost clients, my reputation suffered, and I felt more like her possession than her equal.
The breaking point came when I confronted her about sabotaging my business by spreading rumors about my fidelity. Instead of apologizing, she dismissed it, saying, “It's not that I don't trust you, but I know women better than you, and you are too naive to know when someone is seducing you” It hit me: this wasn’t love. It was control.
Insight: Recognizing sabotage is painful, but it’s crucial. Narcissists thrive on keeping you confused and questioning yourself. Once you see the pattern, you can start to reclaim your power.
Solution: If you notice consistent patterns of sabotage, seek support. Therapy, trusted friends, or support groups can help you gain clarity and strength.
Reclaiming Your Dreams
It took me time, but I rebuilt my life. I learned to trust my intuition and focus on creating a life where my dreams weren’t tools for someone else’s gain.
If you’re reading this and it resonates, know you’re not alone. Narcissists are skilled at manipulation, but you don’t have to stay trapped in their cycle.
Steps to Protect Your Hopes and Dreams:
Listen to Your Intuition: If something feels off, don’t ignore it.
Set Boundaries: Protect your time, energy, and ambitions.
Seek Support: A therapist or coach can help you navigate the complexities of these relationships.
Reassess the Relationship: Ask yourself if your partner’s actions align with their words.
You deserve a partner who genuinely supports you, celebrates your successes, and stands by you during challenges. Your dreams are yours to pursue—don’t let anyone take that away from you.
