How Being in a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship Affects Your Choices and Identity

Relationships are meant to lift us up, make us feel supported, and give us the freedom to be who we are. But sometimes, what seems like love can actually be a slow, invisible cage that traps your true identity.

Narcissistic relationships, especially, have this hidden way of chipping away at who you are, little by little, until you hardly recognize yourself.

Here, I’ll share three ways being in such a relationship can deeply affect your choices and identity.

1. They Convince You That They Know You Better Than You Know Yourself

At first, it can seem harmless, even sweet, when your partner says, “I know you better than you know yourself.” Maybe it feels like a sign of closeness. But over time, this can become a powerful tool for manipulation. Narcissistic partners use this tactic to make you doubt your instincts and memories.

I remember how my ex used to "help" me find things I was sure I hadn’t lost. It started with my keys. I had a habit: every day, after coming home from work, I would slip them into the pocket of my work bag. One morning, I couldn't find them and asked, "Honey, have you seen my keys?" He replied, “Cupcake, you lose them all the time,” in a half-teasing tone. Confused, I laughed it off, even though I knew I hadn’t lost them before.

He found the keys in my jacket pocket, a place I’d never put them. My jacket pockets were tiny, and I always worried things would fall out. But in that moment, I was so relieved to have found them that I ignored the odd feeling that something wasn’t right. This happened again with my phone, and over time, he made me believe I was forgetful. “What would you do without me?” he’d say, half-smiling, as if he were my savior.

After I left him, these “lost items” stopped being an issue. It clicked: he had been moving my things on purpose to make me doubt myself. This was manipulation at its finest, and it left me questioning my memory, choices, and even my sanity.

2. They Shape Your Likes and Dislikes Without You Realizing It

One of the most surprising things I discovered after leaving was how many of my preferences weren’t really mine. I hadn’t realized how much of my identity had been influenced by him until I was finally free. A perfect example? Tomatoes.

He hated tomatoes on his sandwiches. Any time we ordered food, he’d make a fuss if I didn’t remove the tomato from mine too. Gradually, I stopped asking for tomatoes altogether. Years later, at a farmers market with a friend, he offered me a juicy yellow grape tomato. My automatic response was, “I don’t like tomatoes.” But in that moment, I couldn’t remember why. It didn’t even feel true.

When I tried one, I was shocked at how delicious it was. It dawned on me that avoiding tomatoes had nothing to do with my own preferences. It was something I’d adopted to please him. This realization was a wake-up call. If something as simple as liking tomatoes had been altered, what else about me wasn’t really me?

This was just one example of many. Over time, I discovered other things I thought I disliked or loved, only to realize they weren’t mine at all. They were his.

3. They Change Your Self-Perception and Make You Feel Never Enough

Narcissists often have a subtle way of making you feel like you’ll never measure up, no matter what you do. You adjust who you are to avoid their criticisms, hoping for approval that never comes. Over time, you lose touch with who you were before the relationship.

I remember countless times when my ex would joke, “Wish you had bigger boobs,” or make sly comments like, “By your next birthday, I’ll be ready to trade you in for two twenty-year-olds.” At first, I laughed along, hoping to show I was confident. But inside, those jokes chipped away at my self-esteem. The constant feeling that I wasn’t enough made me change how I dressed, how I spoke, and even how I acted around others.

Only after the relationship ended did I begin to understand how much I’d lost myself trying to fit into his mold. The manipulation had been so subtle, woven into everyday conversations and moments, that I didn’t see it for what it was until I was out of that environment.

Final Thoughts: Regaining Yourself

Being in a narcissistic abusive relationship can have long-lasting effects on your choices and sense of self. It’s easy to get caught up in people-pleasing, especially when the manipulation is so subtle. But the good news is, once you’re aware, you can start the journey back to yourself.

If you’re in a relationship where you feel like your likes, dislikes, or even your memories are being questioned, trust your gut. Don’t ignore those feelings of confusion or doubt. They’re signals that something isn’t right.

Remember, your identity is yours. Don’t let anyone take it away from you. If you’ve been through a relationship like this, know that it’s not too late to rediscover who you truly are. The first step is recognizing it, and from there, you can start to rebuild.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com