Leaving a narcissist: 10 things you shouldn't overlook

Understand Your Situation

I've been in two "romantic" relationships with narcissists that consumed 20 years of my adult life. In both cases, I underestimated the severity of my situation. Looking back, I realize how much worse things could have been when I left those abusive relationships.

Important Caution: If you are in a violent, abusive relationship, the steps in this guide may help, but your main priority must be saving your life. Research community or nonprofit organizations that can offer you immediate assistance and leave as quickly as possible. If you have minor children, seek legal professional help—this list alone will not be enough in these situations.

From my experience, whatever you think the fallout from leaving will be, prepare for it to be at least twice as bad as you imagine. In other words, it’s going to be harder than you think. Below are ten things I realized I needed to manage more effectively to make my exits smoother. Don’t overlook them when planning your departure.

1. Gather Your Essential Documents

Narcissists often take control of important documents under the guise of being organized or helpful. But in reality, this is just another method to keep you dependent. Your personal identification, birth certificates, passports, and any legal documents may be under their control.

Start by finding or creating a reason to access these documents without raising suspicion. For instance, you might tell them you need to check the expiration date on your passport for a future trip. Once you have them, store these documents in a safe place that the narcissist cannot access. Consider moving them to a trusted friend’s home or a secure storage facility.

I remember when I first started working on my plan to leave Zane, I was talking to Tyrone about the big things, like finding an apartment and figuring out the best time to leave. The whole process felt overwhelming, and I was desperate to get it over with as soon as possible.

Thankfully, Tyrone is great at planning. He told me, "The best way to tackle a big task is to break it down into smaller steps." He reminded me of the old saying, "How do you eat an elephant?" He suggested starting with something small: “If you're going to leave, you’ll need your passport and important documents. Do you have them in a safe place?”

That’s when it hit me—Zane had never given me back my passport after our last trip, which was over a year ago.

I knew where he usually kept things and thought that when I was ready to leave, I’d just grab it. Later that day, I rushed home from work, wanting to get there before Zane. I went straight to the drawer where he normally stored important stuff, but my passport wasn’t there. My heart sank. After some frantic searching, I finally found it and tucked it away for safekeeping.

I shudder to think how disastrous it would have been if I had waited until the day I was moving out to look for it.

2. Protect Your Sentimental Items

Narcissists know what’s important to you, and they’ll use it to their advantage if they suspect you’re planning to leave. Things like photo albums, old school yearbooks, or family heirlooms can become targets for control. Start gathering these items when the narcissist is not around. Move them gradually and discretely to a trusted friend’s house or a storage unit. This ensures that, when you make your exit, you have what’s meaningful to you and don’t need to negotiate with them over it later.

If you’re like me and have a sentimental attachment to certain things, you know how devastating it can feel to lose them. On the day I was packing up to leave, time was running out before Zane would be back. There was a set of photo albums from my early childhood that I cherished, and I knew he had packed them in boxes in the basement storage area.

I unpacked every box in that space, going through each one, but I couldn’t find my albums.

It really hurt, but I couldn’t let it stop me—I had to leave. The worst part was that Zane had specifically told me where he had stored them, which was clearly a lie meant to give me a false sense of security. He knew exactly how much those photo albums meant to me.

Fast forward six months, and Zane shows up at my workplace with those very albums. He claimed I had forgotten them at his place and that he just wanted to see me so he could return them. It was all just another manipulative move.

3. Forward Your Personal Mail

A narcissist is often keenly aware of your communication and financial activities, so forward any sensitive mail to a safe location. This could be a friend's address or a private mailbox at your local post office. Financial institutions may send important documents in the mail, like information about investments or legal matters. If the narcissist intercepts these, they might discover your plans and escalate their control.

Where we lived, the mail was delivered to a community mailbox just down the street. Each house had its own designated box with a key. Zane had strict control over ours.

At first, it didn’t seem like a big deal, but as I started planning to leave, I realized that he never left the mailbox key on the key rack with the vehicle keys. Instead, he always kept it in his jacket or work pants, and he was always the one to get the mail. It hit me that this was just another way he maintained control.

4. Build a Trusted Support Group

Surround yourself with a small circle of trusted friends or family who are aware of your situation and can offer practical support. This should be people who can help financially, offer a place to stay, or provide emotional support. If possible, share your plans with a therapist who can provide additional documentation, like an affidavit, if you need legal protection later.

If you believe the narcissist could become violent, add a lawyer and local law enforcement to your list. In case of an emergency, these professionals will already have the background information to act quickly.

I’ve always been a very private person and never talked much about my personal life. But during this experience, I realized how few friends I had who weren’t connected to Zane in some way. In the end, it was really only Tyrone and my therapist who knew about my plan to leave.

5. Prepare Your Workplace for the Fallout

Chances are, your narcissist has made connections with your workplace—colleagues, managers, or HR. Narcissists love to appear charming and friendly in public, but this is just another tactic to keep tabs on you. Inform your employer, manager, or HR department of your situation. Let them know that you’re ending the relationship and may need additional support to prevent any unwanted interactions. The narcissist may show up at your work unexpectedly, attempting to manipulate the situation to appear as the victim, so it’s better to get ahead of the story.

This is crucial. If I hadn’t set things in place, the day Zane showed up to "bring my stuff back," my coworkers likely would’ve just let him in, as they had in the past, or shared information about my whereabouts without thinking twice. After escalating from texts and emails to driving by my workplace and showing up multiple times, Zane used the excuse of returning my "stuff" to try and see me.

Having the courage to inform my colleagues about the breakup and my concerns for safety paid off later when I needed their help getting security footage to prove his stalking, which was essential for obtaining a restraining order.

6. Change Your Routine and Secure Your Safety

After you’ve left, change up your daily routines. Narcissists are often stalkers and will try to figure out where you are and what you’re doing. Altering your schedule temporarily gives you the advantage of staying one step ahead.

Consider letting key people in your daily life, such as your barista or neighbors, know that your relationship has ended and that your ex-partner is no longer welcome in your space. This can prevent them from using previous familiarity to keep tabs on you.

7. Let Go of Non-Essential Belongings

As hard as it may be, you may have to leave some items behind. Narcissists will hide things they know you won’t want to leave without. Whether it’s a prized possession or an item with sentimental value, they use it to manipulate you into coming back. Let it go. Prioritize your safety over material possessions. If it comes up later—likely as a ploy to hoover you back in—remember that it’s just another attempt at control.

Remember the sentimental things I mentioned earlier? Zane brought eight boxes to my workplace—items he had deliberately hidden from me. Each time he showed up, it was just another excuse to get close to me. Thankfully, I had already made up my mind that my safety was more important than those items, and I accepted that I might never see them again—and that was okay.

I never anticipated the extent of his deception. He had packed them away over a year earlier, at a time when I had no plans of leaving. His actions were calculated far in advance, preparing for the day I might try to escape.

8. Cut Social Media Ties

Narcissists don’t handle rejection like most people. They view it as a challenge to win you back. They won’t stop until they feel they have regained control. Your best defense is to cut off their ability to track or manipulate you via social media and mutual acquaintances. Here are five practical tips to safeguard yourself:

1. Lock Down Your Privacy Settings

• Why It’s Important: Narcissists may try to track your whereabouts or updates through your social media. Even seemingly harmless information, like a tagged location, can give them clues about where you are.

• How to Do It:

  • Adjust privacy settings on all platforms so that only close, trusted friends can see your posts.

  • Disable location tracking and make sure your posts do not automatically tag your location.

  • Limit who can view your friend list, as a narcissist might use mutual friends to get information about you.

2. Block or Mute the Narcissist and Their Allies

• Why It’s Important: The narcissist may try to contact you directly through social media, either to charm you back, bully you, or spread lies.

• How to Do It:

  • Block them on all social media platforms. This prevents them from seeing your posts, tagging you, or messaging you.

  • Block or mute any mutual friends who might serve as their “flying monkeys”—people who unknowingly pass information back to the narcissist or act on their behalf.

3. Avoid Posting Personal Updates or Locations

• Why It’s Important: Sharing personal updates or location-based posts can give the narcissist clues about your activities, allowing them to track you.

• How to Do It:

  • Take a break from posting personal information, especially regarding your location or future plans.

  • If you want to share updates with close friends, do so privately through direct messages or via apps with more secure privacy controls.

  • Be cautious about posting pictures that reveal your current surroundings.

4. Be Selective About New Friend Requests

• Why It’s Important: Narcissists may create fake accounts or use mutual friends to keep tabs on you. Accepting new or unknown friend requests could give them a backdoor into your life.

• How to Do It:

  • Verify every new friend request carefully, especially if they share mutual connections with the narcissist.

  • If you are unsure, message the person directly to confirm their identity and intention before accepting.

  • Consider temporarily disabling friend requests or only allowing requests from friends of friends.

5. Audit Your Social Media Content

• Why It’s Important: Narcissists may use old posts, photos, or comments to fuel a smear campaign against you, manipulate mutual friends, or guilt-trip you.

• How to Do It:

  • Review your social media history and delete or archive posts that may expose too much of your personal life or vulnerabilities.

  • Remove any content that connects you to the narcissist, including tagged photos, posts, or comments that reflect your past relationship.

  • Consider switching your social media accounts to a new profile after you leave. This fresh start helps reduce their ability to track your history.

9. Be Prepared for the Smear Campaign

When a narcissist loses control over you, they’ll likely try to tarnish your reputation. They may tell others that you left because you were unfaithful or because of some imagined fault. Get ahead of this by strategically telling your truth to the people in your life who matter. This reduces the power of the narcissist’s smear campaign and puts you in control of your narrative.

Zane also spread lies to anyone who would listen, claiming I left him because I was cheating. He even said the stress of "living a lie" was the reason my hair had started falling out, and he sold this story so convincingly that his friends believed it. He was foolish enough to include this narrative in his response when I applied for the restraining order.

Thankfully, I had my therapist’s affidavit to back up my truth. Along with other evidence provided, this proved that Zane was not credible and had no legitimate reason to keep contacting me.

10. Focus on Your Emotional Recovery

Leaving a narcissist is one of the hardest things you will ever do. You’ll feel emotional turmoil as you leave behind a relationship you once invested so much in. It’s essential to get support from a therapist, coach, or trusted friends during this time. Work on rebuilding your confidence, addressing any people-pleasing tendencies, and strengthening your sense of self-worth.

Narcissists prey on kind-hearted people who want to make others happy. Recognize this pattern and work on breaking it so that you’re never trapped in a toxic relationship again. Focus on your growth, and let your strength guide your future.

Conclusion

Leaving a narcissist isn’t just an emotional decision—it’s a complex process that requires careful planning. By gathering your essential documents, building a support system, protecting your privacy, and preparing for potential emotional manipulation, you can make a clean and safe exit. The most important thing is to prioritize your safety and your mental well-being as you move forward into a healthier, more empowered life.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com