Knowing When to Leave an Abusive Relationship: A Guide for Women
In the wake of Calgary's most recent case of publicly known domestic violence—a tragic double homicide that claimed the lives of a mother and her father—Canada is once again forced to confront the devastating reality of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). This heartbreaking incident highlights the urgent need for awareness and action, as it underscores the grim escalation that abusive relationships can take. Domestic violence is not just a private issue; it’s a public crisis that leaves lasting scars on families, communities, and society as a whole. In this article, I’ll share my personal experiences with abusive relationships, explore the patterns of escalation in IPV, and discuss how early warning signs, often dismissed or normalized, can lead to catastrophic outcomes if ignored. It’s time to shine a light on the realities of abuse and empower more women to make the courageous choice to leave before it’s too late.
RELATIONSHIPSTRAUMA & ABUSE
Tiffany
1/2/20255 min read
Introduction
Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the hardest decisions a woman will ever make. For many, the fear of the unknown, financial dependence, and emotional manipulation make it seem impossible. Yet staying in these relationships often leads to tragic outcomes, including homicide.
This article aims to provide insights, raise awareness, and encourage women to recognize abuse early and find the courage to leave before it’s too late.
What Is Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)?
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) includes behaviors by a current or former partner that cause physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual harm. It can start subtly with controlling actions, escalate to verbal and physical abuse, and tragically, end in homicide.
In Canada, IPV is a major public health and social issue. Statistics show that women are far more likely than men to experience severe IPV, including life-threatening violence.
As highlighted by Canada’s government, IPV not only affects individuals but also has ripple effects on families, workplaces, and communities. Recognizing the signs and understanding the patterns of abuse are crucial steps in breaking free.
Why Women Stay
Many women stay in abusive relationships because of fear, loyalty, financial dependency, or the hope that things will change. I know this firsthand.
I spent 14 years in an abusive marriage, clinging to the idea that my loyalty and love could fix the relationship. Despite the insults, physical abuse, and isolation, I stayed—partly because I had no financial independence and partly because I was scared.
When I finally left, it wasn’t because I had a solid plan. It was because I couldn’t take it anymore. My ex-husband was manipulative, controlling, and dangerous. He used every tactic—from apologies with flowers to threats of self-harm—to keep me trapped.
The Importance of Trusting Your Intuition
Leaving wasn’t easy. When I told him I was visiting family, I knew in my gut that I might never come back. That intuition saved my life.
Women often suppress their instincts, doubting themselves or giving their abuser the benefit of the doubt. But listening to that inner voice can mean the difference between survival and tragedy.
Societal Normalization of Abuse
One of the reasons many women ignore the early signs of abuse is because society normalizes them. Emotional and verbal abuse are often dismissed as “just how relationships are.”
This mindset keeps women trapped, doubting their experiences until the abuse escalates to physical violence.
Personal Reflections and Lessons
After leaving my abusive marriage, I found myself in another relationship that seemed better—at first. The love-bombing was intense, and everyone around me thought he was a “good guy.”
But the abuse started again, slowly at first, and then more clearly. This time, I recognized the patterns. I planned my exit carefully, knowing the risks of staying.
Even after leaving, I faced stalking and harassment. I had to get a restraining order to protect myself. These experiences taught me that abuse doesn’t stop when you leave—it’s often when the abuser feels they’ve lost control that their behavior becomes most dangerous.
Ex-partners use the excuse of "just looking for closure" or "I know I messed up and I just wanted to say sorry." It all seems well-meaning and sincere, but it can be one of the biggest mistakes you ever make. Some have paid with their life for entertaining this type of remorseful behavior.
Abusers thrive on control, and losing their grip on their victim is a threat to their sense of power. What seems like a genuine attempt to make amends is often a ploy to regain access to your life.
It’s crucial to recognize these behaviors for what they are: red flags of an ongoing cycle of abuse.
This is why leaving isn’t just a physical act; it’s a psychological and emotional battle to break free from the manipulative tactics that keep survivors tethered to their abusers.
Support and Resources Are Vital
As emphasized by experts in this CBC article, there’s an urgent need for more resources and support for victims of IPV. Advocates stress the importance of addressing the root causes of abusive behavior and providing preventative measures to stop the cycle of violence.
Lana Wells from the University of Calgary’s Faculty of Social Work stated:
“It really is time to shine the light on why are men causing and conducting themselves in this way, and what are the supports we can put in place so that they don't harm the people that they care about.”
Recognize the Patterns, Know When to Leave
Awareness is key. Understanding the escalation of abuse can help women identify when to leave. Abuse often follows a predictable pattern, making it vital to understand the stages:
The Pattern of Escalation of Abuse
Emotional Abuse: Insults, criticism, or controlling behavior designed to erode self-esteem.
Verbal Abuse: Shouting, name-calling, or threats that instill fear.
Physical Abuse: Slapping, pushing, or hitting—physical violence often begins after a period of verbal or emotional abuse.
Severe Violence: Increased frequency and intensity of physical assaults.
Lethal Outcome: Tragically, this pattern sometimes ends in homicide.
Recognizing When to Leave
One of the most dangerous myths surrounding abusive relationships is that things have to get "bad enough" before you leave. Waiting for physical violence or overt threats isn’t just unnecessary—it’s dangerous.
Emotional abuse often serves as the foundation for more overt forms of violence, and recognizing these patterns early can save your life.
Emotional abuse is enough—this is all you need to know before you go
Don’t wait for it to escalate.
Plan your exit. It doesn’t have to be perfect—just safe.
Trust your instincts.
Patterns of emotional abuse to watch for include:
Constant Criticism: You’re made to feel like nothing you do is ever good enough. Even your strengths are turned into weaknesses.
Gaslighting: Your sense of reality is manipulated. You’re told that you’re "too sensitive" or "overreacting" when you express discomfort or point out hurtful behavior.
Isolation: Your partner discourages or outright prevents you from maintaining relationships with friends and family.
Control: They monitor your activities, dictate your choices, or impose unreasonable demands on your time and resources.
Emotional Withholding: Love and affection are used as tools of manipulation, given only when you comply with their expectations.
It’s best to leave a relationship when these patterns are present, instead of waiting until it escalates to the later stages. Emotional abuse is often dismissed or normalized in relationships, but it’s a significant indicator of an unhealthy dynamic.
Recognizing these signs early and acting on them is not a failure—it’s an act of courage and self-preservation.
Final Thoughts
Domestic violence is a preventable problem, but only if we raise awareness and challenge the normalization of early-stage abuse. Women deserve relationships built on respect and kindness, not control and fear. If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, remember: You are not alone, and help is available.
Let’s work together to break the cycle of abuse—for ourselves and future generations.
letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com
