I'd Rather Be Single and Happy: 5 signs you are lonely in your relationship

The Epiphany: It's Better to Be Alone Than Lonely in a Relationship

After spending 20 years in narcissistic relationships, I’ve come to a simple yet powerful conclusion: it’s better to be single, alone, and happy than to be lonely in a relationship. Some of you may be thinking, “Why did it take so long to realize this?” You might have had the emotional intelligence long before I did, while I was stuck in my people-pleasing habits. But when you’re deep in a toxic situation, you can’t always see what’s happening around you. I thought I was just being a loving partner, a good wife—until I realized just how lonely I had become.

How I Lost My Connections

In my first marriage, I cluelessly watched as one by one, my friends disappeared. I didn’t notice at first because I figured it was just part of married life. We lived in a different city, and my husband found reasons to dislike each of my friends. I, being the ever-dedicated wife, chose him over everyone else. Eventually, I had no close relationships left. It wasn’t until I left that marriage that I saw how lonely I’d been the whole time.

A New Partner, But the Same Old Loneliness

After I left my ex-husband, I hoped my next relationship would be different. My new partner had his own group of friends, and I thought I’d finally find connection again. But no matter how much time I spent with them, it never felt real. It was five years of surface-level interactions. I was pouring everything I had into the relationship, trying to make it work, but the loneliness only grew deeper. When I started to reconnect with old friends, my boyfriend made me feel uncomfortable about it, just like my ex-husband had.

5 Signs You’re Lonely in Your Relationship

Reflecting on my experiences helped me see just how isolated I had become. Maybe you're feeling the same way and aren’t sure why. Here are five signs that you might be lonely in your relationship:

1. You feel emotionally isolated, even when you're together
   

   You’re physically in the same space, but there’s a wall between you. There’s no deep connection, no shared emotions—just silence or superficial conversations.

   Being physically together but feeling worlds apart is one of the clearest signs of loneliness in a relationship. You may be sitting on the same couch or sharing a meal, but there’s no emotional connection. It feels like you’re roommates instead of partners.

   Example:
   You’re having dinner with your partner after a long day, and instead of meaningful conversation, you both sit in silence, scrolling on your phones. If you try to bring up something that’s been bothering you, they brush it off or change the subject. You’re physically present with each other, but emotionally, you feel invisible. It’s not the silence that hurts, it’s the absence of any desire to truly connect.

   In my case, I remember evenings spent with my ex-husband, watching TV, but we never talked. Even if I tried to engage him about something important, like my feelings of sadness, he’d shut it down with, “Why are you always overthinking things?” I was surrounded by his presence but still felt deeply alone.

2. You've lost touch with friends and family
   

   When you’re in a healthy relationship, you maintain your friendships and family ties. But when you’re lonely in a relationship, you may find that those connections fade away. Sometimes it’s subtle, like prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own. Other times, it’s a deliberate act of control by your partner, who may discourage you from spending time with others.

   Example:
   Your best friend invites you to a girls’ night, but your partner makes a comment like, “Oh, I guess I’ll just stay here alone, then.” It’s not a direct demand, but you cancel because you don’t want to make them feel bad. Over time, you stop reaching out to friends and family, believing it’s better to avoid conflict. Before you know it, you’ve lost your support system.

   For me, my ex-husband slowly cut off my social connections. He’d find reasons not to like my friends, saying things like, “I don’t think they’re good for you” or “I don’t like how they talk about our relationship.” One by one, I stopped talking to people, convincing myself it was part of normal married life. Before I knew it, I was alone, without even realizing it.

3. You avoid sharing your feelings
   

   In a healthy relationship, you should be able to express your feelings openly. But when you’re lonely in a relationship, you may stop sharing your emotions, either because you fear conflict or because you’ve learned that your partner doesn’t really care. You might find yourself keeping everything inside, thinking it’s easier to just deal with things on your own.

   Example:
   You’ve had a terrible day at work, and you want to talk about it with your partner. But as you start to explain, they cut you off with, “Can we not talk about work right now? I’ve had a long day too.” You end up feeling dismissed and learn not to bother bringing up your feelings again. Soon, you stop sharing altogether, because every time you do, you’re met with indifference or annoyance.

   This was a constant pattern for me. Anytime I tried to open up about my needs or struggles, my ex-boyfriend would shut me down. Eventually, I just stopped talking about how I felt because I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. I didn’t want to seem “needy” or “overly emotional,” so I bottled it all up. It was easier to suffer in silence than face the rejection.

4. Your interactions are more about routine than connection
   

   Another sign of loneliness in a relationship is when your interactions become mechanical, almost robotic. You go through the motions of daily life—sharing chores, making decisions—but there’s no depth to your conversations. It’s all about practicality, not connection. It feels like you’re co-managing a life, not sharing one.

   Example:
   You wake up, get ready for work, and as you head out the door, you say to your partner, “See you later!” They barely look up from their laptop and say, “Yep.” The day goes by, and when you return home, you discuss bills, dinner plans, or errands, but nothing personal. You don’t ask how each other’s day went, and if you do, the answers are short and superficial, like, “It was fine.” It feels like you’re just coexisting.

   In my marriage, most of our conversations were about logistical things: the house, bills, and schedules. It felt like I was living with a business partner instead of a spouse. I could talk about the tasks of life, but when I tried to connect emotionally, there was no response. The emptiness I felt was profound.

5. You feel happier alone than when you're with your partner
   

   One of the most telling signs is that you feel relief when you’re alone. Being with your partner feels like a burden or a chore, and you’re more relaxed when they’re not around. In a loving relationship, your partner should bring you comfort and joy. But when you’re lonely, their presence can actually heighten that feeling of isolation.

   Example:
   You find yourself looking forward to solo activities more than spending time with your partner. You feel lighter when you’re alone, maybe even happy. You start taking longer walks by yourself, enjoying solo trips to the store, or finding excuses to do things without them because being with them feels emotionally draining.

   I remember realizing how much I enjoyed my time alone more than being with my ex. When he went out with his friends or left for work, I felt relief. I didn’t have to put on a facade or worry about trying to make him happy. When you start feeling this way consistently, it’s a clear sign that something is deeply wrong.

Freedom and Happiness on My Own Terms

These experiences taught me that being single and happy is far better than staying in a relationship that makes you feel lonely. When you realize you’re no longer connected, that’s when it’s time to ask yourself if it’s worth staying. I chose to leave, and today, I’m thriving in my own company. I’m open to love and connection, but only if it allows me to be my authentic self. If you’re feeling lonely in your relationship, remember: you deserve more than just being physically present—you deserve to be seen, heard, and truly loved.

I’m proof that being single isn’t a failure—it’s often the first step toward finding true happiness. If you’re in a relationship but still feel lonely, it might be time to reflect on what’s really making you happy. For me, I’ve learned that I’d rather be single and happy than trapped and lonely.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com