How I Turned Pain into Power and Broke My Trauma Bond

Are You Trauma Bonded?

I recently learned the term trauma bond. Ten years ago, I didn’t know what that was—I thought I was just a bad wife. My marriage was defined by cycles of criticism, outbursts, and occasional gestures of love that kept me hoping things would get better. I believed if I could just make my husband happy, I’d finally be happy, too.

A trauma bond is an emotional attachment that develops in an abusive relationship. This bond is forged through a psychological phenomenon called intermittent reinforcement; a pattern of abuse followed by inconsistent and infrequent moments of positve reinforcement, reward, affection or relief.

It is a very powerful form of manipulation and it has the ability to make someone feel bonded to the person who is emotionally abusing them.

He was my husband, the man I chose to love. I never thought of him as an abuser. I never thought of the patterns of falling in and out of love as abuse.

It just seemed that no matter how hard I tried, there was always another problem to fix, another criticism, or another impossible expectation. I bent over backward to meet his demands, losing myself in the process.

One day, I found myself hooked up to machines in a hospital, numb and unresponsive.

Telling Lies To Survive

That day started like many others—with an argument. I don’t even remember what it was about, but the shouting escalated. “Stupid. Idiot.” His words hit like punches, followed by threats: “I’ll kill you.” He had guns, and I knew what he was capable of. My body went into overdrive—heart racing, vision blurring—until I collapsed.

In the hospital, doctors ran tests but found nothing physically wrong. When they asked if I was under stress, I said no. Why didn’t I tell them he’d threatened my life? Because I was afraid. I thought if I spoke up, he’d get in trouble, and I’d lose everything. No money. No home. No one.

This is the reality of a trauma bond: powerlessness, isolation, and fear. My husband controlled every aspect of my life—my friends, my finances, my sense of self. To the outside world, he seemed like a concerned husband. But to me, he was my captor.

Recognizing the Patterns

Looking back, I see how normalized this cycle of abuse was. Society called it a “lover’s quarrel” or said we just needed to “rekindle the flame.” I watched other women endure similar dynamics, some even thriving in them. They’d trade their pain for material comforts. I was just awful at it. My behavior in my marriage was textbook trauma bonding.

• I covered up or made excuses to others for his behavior

• I lied to people about the abuse

• I didn't feel comfortable with the marriage but I also felt unable to leave

• I often found a way to blame myself for his behavior

• I knew the patterns but ignored them

• He always promised to change, bought me something really nice or expensive to say sorry

• I knew I couldn't trust him but I kept telling myself I could manage him

• I had no means to leave, even if I wanted to

• I had no friends or relatives to reach out to, I had cut them off to please him

I had to face the truth: my life wasn’t going to change unless I changed it.

How I Broke Free

It wasn’t easy, but I am worth it. Even after escaping the marriage, I messed up, and during my healing I ended up in another abusive relationship, but here’s how I began to break my trauma bonding attachment and rebuild my life:

1. Telling Myself the Truth
   I stopped rationalizing the moments of affection as love. A functional relationship doesn’t revolve around constant fights and makeups. I admitted to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, and it wasn’t my fault.

2. Reclaiming My Power
   I recognized how my individuality, friends, and finances had been stripped away. During the love-bombing phase, he presented himself as all I’d ever need. But I realized this dependency was a trap. I vowed to rebuild my independence and never let anyone take it away again.

3. Earning My Own Money
   I started earning what I call “fuck you money”—income that gave me the freedom to make decisions without relying on a partner. At first, it was small, but I invested in myself. Over time, I grew my skills and built multiple income streams.

4. Finding My Safe Space
   I left the house that I shared with my abuser and moved into a tiny, affordable space where I could focus on healing. It wasn’t glamorous, but it was mine.

Creating the Life I Wanted

I began visualizing the life I wanted and using affirmations to align my thoughts with my goals. I told myself daily: I am strong. I am capable. I am worthy of love and happiness.

Opportunities started to appear, and I took them. Within months, I moved into a bigger space, and two years later, I am working with a designer to create plans for my dream home.

You Can Do It, Too

Here’s what I learned:

1. Plan Your Exit
   Start saving, even if it’s just a little. Research resources like shelters, counseling services, or supportive friends.

2. Seek Therapy
   Connect with professionals who can help you process the trauma and build healthier relationships.

3. Practice Mindfulness
   Be kind to yourself. Use positive self-talk and affirmations to combat the negative beliefs ingrained by your abuser.

4. Build Financial Independence
   Find a way to earn your own income, no matter how small. Financial freedom is a key to breaking free.

   If you're wondering where to start, I’ve created resources to guide you on your journey. Through my website, ManifestingMel.com, I help people just like myself break free from trauma bonds by starting their own online business.

   Whether it’s building a website, launching an online store, or learning the skills to take control of your financial future, you’ll find everything you need to get started.

   For those seeking healing and support, I also created TiffanyandTyrone.com, a space dedicated to trauma and abuse awareness and recovery. You’re not alone—join our new supportive Facebook community to connect with others on a similar journey and find the encouragement to rewrite your story.

A New Beginning

Breaking a trauma bond isn’t easy, but it’s possible. Today, I’m not just surviving—I’m thriving. I’ve built a life of independence, success, and happiness, far from the cycles of abuse that once defined me.

If I—a girl with no university education, who barely made it through a high school special needs program and was told I’d never amount to much—can do it, I believe you can too.

Your journey to freedom starts with one step. Whether it’s seeking help, finding a community, or just daring to dream of a better life, know that you’re not alone. You have the power to create the love and life you deserve.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com