Holiday Triggers? - Reclaiming Your Identity After Narcissistic Abuse

Holiday Triggers?

Hi friend,

The holiday season is here—a time filled with traditions, music, and celebrations. Depending on where you are, it could be Christmas, Hanukkah, or another special occasion. The world seems to glow with messages about reconnecting, forgiving, and starting fresh. Sounds lovely, right?

But if you’ve left a narcissistic relationship, this time of year can be anything but peaceful. It’s a perfect storm of emotions: nostalgia, guilt, and the social pressure to “make amends” or “give people another chance.” I need to tell you this right now: don’t fall for it.

Let’s dive into why this season can be so hard and how you can resist the pull of the past to reclaim your identity and thrive.

1. Why the Holidays Are a Narcissist’s Playground

Holidays come wrapped in guilt-tripping traditions. You’ll hear phrases like:

• “It’s the season of forgiveness!”

• “You should reconnect and make things right.”

• “They’ve been so lost without you—give them another chance.”

It’s all too easy to be roped back in by love-bombing activities designed to pull at your heartstrings. The narcissist might call, message, or even show up out of the blue, telling you how much they’ve changed. They’ll remind you of the good times and say things like, “It’s not the same without you.”

And then there are the flying monkeys—the mutual friends or family members who insist you should give the narcissist another chance. They might say:

• “They’ve been so sad without you.”

• “You’re holding onto the past too much.”

• “It’s the holidays! Don’t be selfish.”

Sound familiar? Here’s the truth: you didn’t leave for no reason. You left because that relationship was abusive. You left because you couldn’t be your authentic self. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, forget that.

2. How Narcissistic Relationships Erode Your Identity

When you’re in a narcissistic relationship, your sense of self slowly disappears and your self-worth becomes entangled with the identity of your abuser. Here’s how:

a. They Make You Doubt Yourself

Through constant gaslighting, they convinced you that your choices, feelings, and even memories were wrong. Over time, you stopped trusting yourself and looked to them for validation.

What You Can Do Now:
Practice making decisions for yourself—no matter how small. Choose a holiday dish you love, wear clothes that make you happy, or plan a solo outing. These little acts of self-trust build confidence over time.

b. They Redefine Your Identity

People stopped seeing you as you. Instead, you became “their partner,” part of a package deal. Your individuality was swallowed up by the relationship, and you may have even felt like you disappeared.

What You Can Do Now:
Start asking yourself: Who am I outside of that relationship? Revisit old hobbies or try new ones. Reflect on what used to make you happy before the relationship and explore it again.

c. They Convince You You’re Not Enough

Every criticism, whether subtle or overt, chipped away at your self-worth. You began to believe that the person you were wasn’t good enough, so you kept trying to become someone better—better for them, but worse for you.

What You Can Do Now:
Affirm yourself daily. Write down or say phrases like, “I am enough,” or “I deserve to be loved for who I am.” Over time, these affirmations will help you rebuild your self-worth.

3. Navigating Guilt and Social Pressure

The holidays are tough because society encourages us to reconnect with loved ones—even toxic ones. You might feel pressure to attend family gatherings where you’ll face people who don’t understand your decision to leave.

Some may ask intrusive questions, like:

• “Why can’t you two just work it out?”

• “Aren’t you lonely without them?”

• “Isn’t the holiday season about forgiveness?”

It’s exhausting to explain why you left, especially when people don’t grasp the subtle ways narcissistic abuse can destroy your mental health. They see the charming person the narcissist shows to the world, not the manipulative person you knew behind closed doors.

How to Handle It:

• Set boundaries: It’s okay to decline invitations or leave conversations that feel triggering.

• Create new traditions: Plan activities that bring you joy, whether it’s spending time with close friends, volunteering, or treating yourself to a quiet night at home.

• Remind yourself of your reasons: Reflect on why you left and the strength it took to do so.

4. Reclaiming Your Identity

You may feel lost right now, and that’s okay. Leaving a narcissistic relationship often means rediscovering who you are outside of someone else’s shadow. Here’s how to start:

a. Embrace the Blank Slate

Think of this as a fresh start. Without the narcissist dictating your every move, you have the freedom to rebuild your life exactly how you want it.

b. Focus on Growth

Reflect on how far you’ve come. You’re stronger, braver, and wiser than you were before. Use this season to set intentions for the new year—goals that are all about you.

c. Surround Yourself with Supportive People

True friends and family will respect your boundaries and cheer you on as you grow. Let go of those who pressure you to reconnect with the past or make you feel guilty for moving forward.

5. A Final Thought for the Season

This time of year is about love, but it doesn’t have to be about romantic love—or guilt-driven love for others. It can be about self-love.

As you move through this season, remember:

• It’s okay to miss the connection you had without missing the pain it caused.

• It’s okay to grieve who you were while celebrating who you’re becoming.

• And it’s okay to choose you over everyone else’s expectations.

You’ve come so far. Keep going. Love yourself enough to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

With hope and strength,
Tyrone

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com