From Toxic Ties to True Connection: Finding Strength in Self-Connection

Disconnected

For years, I suffered in silence. I knew my truth, but I hid it, just as they wanted me to. I learned to dissociate—a way the mind protects you from traumatic pain. But when dissociation becomes maladaptive, it leaves you feeling disconnected not just from the people around you but from yourself. In hiding my truth, I was losing my connection with who I was.

Over time, I found ways to revisit those painful moments and reframe them. I’m now writing a book about this journey, diving deep into memories and emotions to tell the truth I had hidden for so long.

As I learned to reconnect with myself, I began to see the importance of true connection—not just any connection, but meaningful connections where people see you.

It’s the kind of connection where someone reaches out not to judge but to understand, because they see something of themselves in you. This is the kind of connection that pulls us out of our past limitations and helps us become who we truly are.

Finding that connection wasn’t easy, especially after growing up surrounded by people who couldn’t find it themselves. I grew up watching my family members settle for shallow relationships, seeking validation in ways that kept them disconnected.

The Ferry

I was 12 when my mother told me she planned to marry a man who had hurt me. I still remember sitting with her on a ferry, looking out at the ocean, feeling as if my heart had been pierced. She was asking for my approval, hoping I’d support her decision. But how could I? How could I condone a relationship with someone who had been part of my abuse?

The pain I felt that day was sharp and suffocating. I wanted to get away from her, to be nothing like her. When I turned 18, I left home as soon as I could, determined to avoid her mistakes.

The Trap of Negative Motivation

Looking back, I see now that negative motivation kept me trapped in the very patterns I wanted to escape. I spent years trying to be the opposite of my mother, thinking that if I was nothing like her, I’d be safe from repeating her mistakes.

But that focus on not being like her became a form of fixation. I was always running from abusive relationships instead of building a safe place within myself. Every time I left a toxic relationship, I felt relieved, but I also felt incomplete, as if I hadn’t truly escaped anything at all.

Negative motivation fueled my life decisions. I was constantly trying to avoid the pain of my past, driven by the fear of becoming someone I despised. But without realizing it, I was still seeking the same kind of relationships.

I was hooked on trying to fix dysfunctional connections with family and romantic partners, hoping that if I just “fixed” these people, my life would finally feel whole. Deep down, I wanted connection, but I was going about it all wrong.

Meeting Emma: A Friendship That Changed My Life

Emma was unlike any woman I’d met before. She was confident, successful, and bold. Her energy was magnetic, and I admired her strength. We met through a mutual business contact, and I felt drawn to her right away. She welcomed me into her life, and we developed a friendship that helped me see myself in a new light.

One day, I was venting to her about my latest toxic relationship, and she stopped me mid-sentence. She looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m at a place in my life where I don't have space for this. You can talk to me anytime about what you’re doing to make your life better, but I don’t want to hear any more complaining.” Her words hit hard, but they were exactly what I needed.

Emma wasn’t going to wait for me to catch up—she had already built the life she wanted. She showed me that if I wanted real change, I’d have to take action. She had clear boundaries and space only for people who were on the same journey. If I wasn’t going to start taking care of myself, she wasn’t willing to entertain my conversations anymore.

That conversation was a turning point. I began to realize that if I wanted meaningful connections, I needed to start by connecting with myself. I had to stop running away and start building a safe space within me, where I could face my past without being consumed by it.

It also gave me some insight into why certain people in my past may not have made the time for me. I was driving people away with my negativity. I was often complaining about how awful life was and how badly I was being treated, yet I did nothing to disconnect from the bad treatment, and certainly nothing to start treating myself the way I wanted to be treated. I was stuck in the childhood pattern of waiting and hoping for the parental love I never got.

With Emma’s tough love, I began the journey toward self-connection and self-love.

Building a Safe Space Within

Emma’s words hit me hard because they forced me to confront a truth I’d been avoiding: I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was so focused on everyone else’s needs that I’d neglected my own.

Emma was showing me that instead of running from pain or trying to fix others, I needed to build a safe place within myself. I needed to connect with me, to create a space where I could be my true self, no longer waiting for someone else to “save” or “fix” me.

Real change began when I stopped complaining and took ownership of my life. By building a safe, nurturing space within, I could finally connect with others from a place of strength, not need.

This shift gave me a sense of freedom and self-worth that I’d never felt before. And that’s the power of true connection—when we create it within, it becomes easier to find it with others.

Three Steps to Finding True Connection

1. Start by Connecting with Yourself

True connection begins with self-awareness. When you’re disconnected from yourself, you’ll keep seeking validation in the wrong places. Take time to understand who you are and what you value. Journaling or therapy can help you face the emotions you’ve avoided. You can’t form healthy connections with others if you don’t first have one with yourself.

2. Find People Who Encourage Growth, Not Stagnation

The people you connect with should inspire you to grow, not hold you back. Healthy connections feel supportive, even when they’re challenging. Look for friends who see the best in you and encourage you to pursue your goals. When you connect with people who value growth, you’ll feel motivated to keep going, even during tough times.

3. Trust Your Own Intuition

No one else knows what you need better than you do. Pay attention to how you feel around people. Trust the gut feelings you get, especially if they’re telling you something isn’t right for you. Many of us have learned to ignore our instincts, but these are important signals. Building a life where you trust yourself is essential for forming genuine connections with others.

Connection Beyond Traditional Relationships

Most of us spend years trying to fix dysfunctional relationships, hoping they’ll magically improve. But true connection doesn’t have to come from family or other traditional sources—it comes from people who see us and want to understand us. When we prioritize connections that are real and supportive, we find the energy to keep growing.

Today, I’m grateful for people like Emma, who taught me that I didn’t have to stay trapped in painful patterns. I could create a life that feels true to me, surrounded by people who genuinely care. Finding connection starts within, and when we know ourselves, we attract the kind of people who see us for who we really are.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com