Escaping the Narcissist’s Trap: Reclaim Your Supply for You

Trying to get out?

Leaving a narcissistic relationship feels like trying to climb out of a pit filled with quicksand. Every time you make a little progress, the weight of what they say and do pulls you back down. I know because I spent years trying to leave, only to get sucked back in.

Each time, I thought I had good reasons—frustration, humiliation, debt. But over and over, my reasons for leaving were built on emotions that could be swayed with a few words, an apology, or a promise to change. And because I wanted things to work, I stayed.

For people who feel deeply and are wired to give more than they receive, it’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship. You pour everything you have into making them happy, thinking that eventually, they’ll do the same for you. And in a healthy relationship, that’s true.

But in a relationship with a narcissist, it doesn’t matter how much you give. There’s no reciprocity; no matter how full of love you are, they drain you dry and then ask for more. All you get in return is an illusion—love-bombing to keep you around.

The Playdate Analogy: Sharing with Someone Who Doesn’t Share

I sometimes think of it like having a friend over to play with your toys. Imagine you have a collection of toys you really enjoy. You’re excited to share them, and your friend seems thrilled, too. You let them play with one of your favorite toys, and they’re loving it, so you decide to grab another one for yourself. But suddenly, they want that one too. So, you let them have it, thinking it’s fine; you have more toys to enjoy. But then, each time you pick up something new, they want that too.

Now, imagine you have two of the same toy and think, Well, we can both play with these together. But they insist on having both. And if you say, Can I at least play with one? they get upset, complaining that you’re selfish for keeping it all to yourself.

At some point, you realize that even though it’s your stuff, you have no freedom to enjoy any of it. It’s like you’ve become the host of a playdate where your friend controls the rules and decides who gets to have fun.

In my relationship, I was constantly sharing things I valued—my time, my attention, my dreams—and each time, she found a way to take them over, leaving me feeling exhausted and empty.

This constant one-sided sharing made me believe that wanting anything for myself was selfish. And that’s how the cycle traps you. You start to believe that you’re the problem, that you’re asking for too much. You start to question if you’re selfish for wanting your own life.

Why “Letting Them Down Easy” Never Works

If you’re anything like I was, you may have tried to let them down easy. You want to end things on a “good note.” But with a narcissist, there is no “easy” way to leave.

Trying to gently explain your reasons or feelings only keeps you entangled. They’ll listen, maybe even agree with you for a moment, only to flip it around, making you feel guilty for wanting out. I learned this the hard way—every conversation, every attempt to “explain my side” only dragged things out longer.

They’d pretend to understand, promise to work on things, or even make me feel like I was abandoning them. Each time, I felt like maybe I was making a mistake, maybe I wasn’t being “kind enough” in my exit.

But the truth is, no matter how kind or careful you are, they don’t actually want a resolution. They want to keep you in a state of doubt, to keep you hoping for the possibility of change. Every conversation is another thread keeping you tied to them, and each attempt to let them down gently only gives them more material to manipulate.

It took me so long to realize that trying to make them “understand” was like trying to explain to a brick wall why it should listen. They weren’t going to see it my way, and they didn’t want to. Closure wasn’t going to come from their understanding—it had to come from me accepting the truth.

Moving from Emotion-Based to Value-Based Choices

This realization pushed me to focus on my values. It was a shift from living in my emotions to living in my principles. For years, I’d stayed because I felt bad, sad, or frustrated, and I kept hoping for something different. But emotions are fluid—they can change with a single conversation. Values, on the other hand, are steady. They became my anchor.

I asked myself, What are my values? I wanted authenticity, freedom, and a sense of self-worth. I wanted to pursue my goals and live a life that felt true to me, not one shaped entirely around someone else’s needs.

But I realized that every time I said “yes” to her demands, I was saying “no” to myself.

I was compromising my values just to keep her happy. And that’s not love; it’s self-sacrifice.

When I understood this, I saw that my values were non-negotiable. I wanted a life where I could be me, unapologetically. I wanted to invest my time in things that mattered to me—my hobbies, my dreams, my health.

But in this relationship, I’d been giving all of that up. I had to admit to myself that she wasn’t going to change and that my dreams and values would never be fulfilled if I stayed.

Reclaiming Your Supply for You

The “supply” we give in relationships—our love, time, support, and energy—isn’t meant to drain us; it’s meant to build us up. In a healthy relationship, each person brings their supply, and together you’re stronger. But with a narcissist, your supply becomes theirs for the taking. You’re left running on empty, while they’re well-fed from your efforts.

Realizing that my supply was for me was life-changing.

I didn’t need her permission to pursue my own dreams, and I didn’t need closure from her.

She already knew why I was unhappy and why I needed out. She just didn’t want me to leave because that meant losing her control over my supply. She was content with me sacrificing my happiness as long as it fed her needs.

When I accepted that my supply was mine to use for myself, it became easier to leave without needing her understanding or her approval. The closure I needed wasn’t about her—it was about me realizing that I deserved to live according to my values, not in reaction to someone else’s demands.

In Closing (pun intended)

So if you’re waiting for that final “aha moment” where they suddenly understand you, let it go. Closure isn’t about them seeing things your way; it’s about recognizing that you have everything you need to walk away right now. You don’t need their permission to live the life you deserve. You don’t need their agreement to start putting yourself first.

Your supply is yours. It’s meant to fuel your dreams, to give you strength, and to fill your life with joy. Once you see that, you’ll find the closure you’ve been waiting for, not in them, but in the freedom you’re reclaiming for yourself.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com