Dear People-Pleasers, you need money.

Dear People-Pleasers, You Need Money

I want to share my story of how I became trapped in a narcissistic abusive relationship—and the harsh reality that followed. I didn't have any money to save myself from the abuse.

The Illusion of Contribution

When I entered my relationship, I thought I was being a good partner by contributing to our home. I poured my time, energy, and finances into our life together, believing I was building a future. However, I soon realized that my contributions were only feeding my abuser’s control over me. As a people-pleaser, I prioritized his needs over my own, neglecting to save money or create a safety net for myself. My abuser took control of our finances, leaving me with little to no resources to escape.

5 Red Flags that indicate you are in a narcissistic financial trap

Here are five red flags to watch for that may indicate your partner is using your money to trap you in the relationship:

1. Lack of Financial Transparency:

   In the early stages of our relationship, I would ask simple questions like, "How much was the electricity bill?" or "What did the groceries cost?" But his answers were often reluctant and guarded.

   He would buy expensive hobby items while frequently complaining about his high credit card bills. When I asked if there was a way I could help, he was quick to accept the little money I had, yet he never wanted to share details about his spending or his plans for future expenses.

   If your partner avoids discussing finances, refuses to share financial information, or hides expenses, this could be a sign they want to maintain control over your financial situation.

2. Manipulative Spending Habits:

   My boyfriend's birthday and Christmas were always stressful for me. I struggled to find gifts that would please him while still fitting my limited budget. I didn’t earn much money, but I tried my best to show my love by getting him the gifts he hinted at. Unfortunately, the price tags were often beyond my reach, leaving me with significant debt that took months to pay off.

   One year at Christmas, he exploded in rage when I told him I was setting a limit of $500 for his gifts. After opening his presents, he totaled up what he thought they cost and accused me of not meeting the amount I had promised. He expressed his disappointment for not receiving the game console he wanted and ended up buying it for himself the next day. He ranted about this for weeks afterward.

   Notice if your partner pressures you to spend money on their wants rather than needs. They may use guilt or emotional manipulation to make you feel responsible for their financial happiness.

3. Unequal Financial Contribution:

   My boyfriend earned four times as much as I did, yet I contributed over 80% of my disposable income to our "home." He often bragged about his salary and yearly bonuses, but then would come to me with a sad expression, saying, "I really hate to ask, but could you transfer some money?" It never made sense to me what he was doing with all his money.

   In the beginning, I didn’t think much of it because I believed we were a team and that I could trust him. I thought that we would create financial goals to work toward together. Unfortunately, it never turned out that way, he was never interested in making plans with me - only for me.

   If you’re consistently contributing more financially to the relationship while your partner contributes little or nothing, this imbalance can indicate a power dynamic designed to keep you dependent.

4. Monitoring Your Spending:

   My boyfriend was obsessed with how I spent my money, always ready to critique my choices. I remember one time I ran out of a product I liked and went to a nearby supermarket to buy it. When I got home, he fired off his usual questions: "What's that? How much did you pay? Why did you get it there instead of this other place?"

   His obsession was so extreme that he would often buy the identical item from the store he suggested, just to show me the receipt and prove it was cheaper. Of course, he never considered the extra distance and time it took to get there. He just wanted to make me feel foolish for the choices I made.

   If your partner frequently questions or criticizes your spending habits, it may be a tactic to control your finances. They might attempt to dictate how you spend your money, limiting your financial independence.

5. Creating Financial Obligations:

   My boyfriend always took charge of major decisions, like what to do for the holidays, where to go, and where to stay. He would pretend to ask for my opinion, but in the end, it always came down to his final say. He was quick to calculate what my contribution would need to be, but he often acted as if he had it covered—only for me to find out later that I ended up covering costs he had initially implied he would handle.

   When I mentioned that I couldn’t afford something and suggested a cheaper option or even skipping it altogether, he would still insist we go ahead. He would come up with various ways to pay for it, forcing me to prioritize his idea of what “we” wanted over respecting my financial boundaries.

   Watch for patterns where your partner encourages you to take on joint debts or co-sign loans that benefit them. This can create a financial tie that makes it harder for you to leave the relationship.

The Cost of Leaving

When I finally accepted that I was being abused and it was time for me to leave, I faced a harsh reality: I had given away all my money and resources. I couldn’t just move out; I didn’t even have enough for the first month’s rent, let alone the security deposit.

It took me an entire year to save enough to break free from the relationship. During that time, I endured constant gaslighting, manipulation, and pressure tactics—what’s known as hoovering. My abuser was skilled at reading my emotions and sensed that I was planning to leave. His aggression increased, and I found myself living in a state of fear for my safety.

Tips for Avoiding This Situation

If you recognize any of these patterns in your own life, it’s crucial to take action. Here are some tips to help you avoid falling into a similar situation and to empower yourself to leave if you find yourself in one:

1. Maintain Financial Independence: Keep your own bank account and savings. Even if you contribute to joint finances, always ensure you have your own funds set aside.

2. Track Your Contributions: Document your financial contributions to the relationship. This will help you understand your worth and remind you that your efforts deserve recognition.

3. Recognize Red Flags: Be aware of signs of manipulation, such as gaslighting, hoovering, or controlling behavior regarding finances. Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it probably is.

4. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with friends and family who can provide emotional support. Share your experiences with trusted individuals who can help you see the situation clearly.

5. Create an Exit Plan: If you decide to leave, plan ahead. Save money secretly, look for safe places to stay, and ensure you have a support system in place.

6. Seek Professional Help: A therapist can provide guidance and support as you navigate your feelings and experiences. They can also help you develop strategies for leaving and healing.

Your Worth is More Than You Think

People-pleasers, it’s time to reclaim your power. You deserve to be in a relationship where your contributions are valued, and your needs are met. Recognize that your kindness should not come at the expense of your safety or independence.

Leaving a toxic relationship is never easy, but with the right tools and mindset, you can pave the way for a brighter, more empowered future. Remember, you are worthy of love, respect, and financial independence.

Sincerely

Tiffany

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com