Dear People Pleaser, you need your own friends

Dear People Pleasers, You Need Your Own Friends

I learned this lesson the hard way, and I hope to save you from a lot of trouble. My friendship with Tyrone and my old high school connections helped me avoid complete disaster when I decided to leave my abuser. Without those relationships, I wouldn’t be able to write to you today.

Having your own friends is crucial. They provide support, perspective, and a sense of belonging that can help you regain your strength and confidence. Don’t wait until it’s too late—nurture those connections now!

Fake Logic

When I married Mark, I didn’t know what a narcissist was. I had no idea there were clear behaviors and patterns to watch for that could help me avoid relationships with people like him. I really wish someone had taught me about this when I was younger.

In the early months of our marriage, I thought I was just focusing on our relationship and prioritizing the person I loved. I didn’t realize I was actually cutting myself off from my trusted friends and family. Looking back, I can see that I was isolated within just two months of getting married.

Here’s an example of what happened: Mark and I were looking for a house and met a fantastic realtor. Let’s call her Erin. She was professional and really understood our needs. I felt like Erin and I connected, and since I was new to the city, I thought it would be great to hang out more.

One evening, Erin came over to pick me up for a girls’ night out. I was still getting ready, so Mark greeted her and let her in to wait. The next morning, Mark told me we needed to talk. He said he didn’t want me hanging out with Erin anymore because she had made a pass at him.

I was shocked and couldn’t believe it. I knew that never happened, but I went along with it because of the pressure and the twisted logic I was caught up in. What would people think if I chose to be around someone who acted that way? Wouldn’t it be wrong to call my husband a liar after he shared such personal information? I thought, "He must be a good guy; after all, Erin is beautiful, and most guys would cheat and not tell their wives."

Over my fourteen years of marriage, any family member or friend I thought I could trust became a problem for Mark. Interestingly, anyone I was uncomfortable with, he was always supportive of.

The Isolation Trap

Narcissists are skilled at making their partners believe that their friends and family are negative influences or unsupportive of the relationship. This manipulation helps the narcissist become the only person you rely on for support.

As you distance yourself from trusted friends, you may find yourself increasingly dependent on the narcissist for emotional support and validation. By the time you start to recognize the signs of abuse—like manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional neglect—it often feels too late. You may feel trapped, with no connections outside of your relationship with the narcissist and their friends.

This is how it was in my relationship with Zane. Unlike Mark, Zane was sociable and outgoing, with a friend group that met at least twice a week. I tried to get along with the other girlfriends and wives, and on the surface, it seemed fine.

However, it was confusing that none of them wanted to hang out outside of those big gatherings. I could sometimes convince a girlfriend to join me for lunch or a quick drink, but it was clear that they only felt comfortable getting together when the guys were off on camping or biking trips. It felt more like we were keeping an eye on each other than forming real friendships.

They weren’t interested in building relationships that didn’t involve their partners. Whenever I tried to talk about their interests or lives, the conversation always circled back to what their men were doing. It was like living in a weird version of Stepford Wives.

The Role of Smear Campaigns

Narcissists often run smear campaigns, where they paint themselves as the victim and their partners as unstable or unreasonable. They create this narrative with the help of "flying monkeys"—people who either knowingly or unknowingly support the narcissist. This can create a toxic environment that reinforces the narcissist's view, making the victim feel trapped and unheard.

This isolation deepens when victims feel they can't share their experiences with others, fearing they won’t be believed or understood. Because the narcissist controls the narrative and their partner’s connections, they can monitor every aspect of the victim's life, leaving them feeling vulnerable and alone.

That’s how it was with Zane. No conversation I had with anyone in his friend group was confidential. Information always made its way back to him, and I ended up paying the price when he would bring it up later, testing me to see if I would lie. I quickly learned that I needed to keep my conversations shallow and act like a submissive girlfriend, just like the others.

Reclaiming Your Connections

If you find yourself in a relationship where you’ve been pushed to cut ties with friends and family, it’s time to reassess. Being able to maintain friendships outside of your romantic relationship isn’t just a luxury; it’s essential for your mental and emotional health. Reconnecting with friends and family can provide the support you need to break free from the cycle of abuse.

Having your own support system makes it harder for the narcissist to control your view of the relationship. These external connections can offer validation and insights, helping you recognize red flags and regain your independence.

Recognizing Red Flags

It’s crucial to pay attention to the signs of an unhealthy relationship. If you find that being with your partner requires giving up meaningful relationships, consider this a significant red flag. Healthy partnerships allow for the coexistence of friendships and family ties; they don’t demand exclusivity or isolation.

Reflect on your boundaries. Have you felt pressured to choose your partner over your friends? Have your connections been undermined by your partner's influence? If so, it may be time to reclaim your identity and reestablish those relationships.

Conclusion

Dear people pleasers, it’s essential to remember that your well-being matters. Cultivating your own friendships is vital not just for your mental health, but also for your freedom. The more connected you are to supportive individuals outside of your relationship, the more empowered you will feel to confront the challenges within it. If you find yourself isolated, take the first steps toward rebuilding those connections. Not only will it strengthen your resolve, but it may also illuminate the path toward a healthier, happier future.

With love & understanding

Tiffany

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com