Dating Danger: How to Spot a Narcissist by Date Three

Ready for Dating?

Hey there! If you’ve ever wondered, “How can I spot a narcissist before getting in too deep?” you’re not alone. I get this question all the time, and it makes perfect sense—many of us are searching for real connection and genuine relationships. But dating can feel like navigating a minefield, especially if you've experienced narcissistic abuse before. I’ve been there, too. The fear of ending up with another narcissist kept me stuck for a long time. I didn’t want to go through the pain again.

But here’s the good news: Once you learn to recognize the signs and really take them in, it becomes much easier to spot red flags early on. This way, you can protect yourself before you get too emotionally attached. It’s not about living in fear; it’s about paying attention and trusting your gut when something doesn’t feel right. Never be afraid to walk away, do not compromise your boundaries, and please, have boundaries.

Why Three Dates?

So, why the first three dates? That’s usually how long it takes to get past the charm and initial excitement to see who you’re really dealing with. Narcissists are good at making a great first impression, so giving yourself a few dates to notice any patterns or red flags can help.

When dating, we often have confirmation bias—we look for reasons to see the person as a good match, checking off boxes based on how well the date goes. But building a true connection requires more than that. The three-date approach helps you move beyond the surface and assess if someone is genuinely interested in you, or just trying to check those boxes to impress.

After each date, take some time to reflect on any red flags or inconsistencies. Journaling or recording your thoughts can help. Use this information to prepare for your next date and look for follow-up questions you can ask subtly to dig deeper.

Here are five things to watch for:

1. Their Words Don’t Match Their Actions

This is a big one. Pay close attention to what your date says and see if their actions back it up. For example, I once dated a guy who said his last relationship ended because his ex had a drinking problem and he couldn’t handle being around alcoholics. But every date we had was at a bar, and he was always drinking.

It was a subtle yet significant red flag that I missed at the time. Narcissists often say what they think you want to hear to make themselves look good, but their behavior doesn’t align with their words. Look for these little contradictions and take them seriously.

2. They Always Play the Victim

It’s normal to share past experiences to connect with others, but if your date always seems to be the victim in their stories, that’s a red flag. If every relationship or friendship they talk about ended because of what someone else did to them, it’s a warning sign. Sharing how someone hurt you is one thing, but consistently blaming others without reflecting on their own growth or role in the situation is different.

When I share my story, I talk about how I’ve been hurt, but also about what I’ve learned and how it’s made me stronger. Narcissists usually don’t share in this way; they don’t grow or learn from their experiences. Instead, they just keep finding new people to blame.

3. Inconsistencies in Contact and Intensity

Narcissists can be hot and cold, switching from intense affection to being distant. They might come on strong right away (that’s called love-bombing) or space out dates with long gaps in between.

The tricky part is that they often do this on purpose. If you experience a whirlwind date followed by days or weeks of silence, take note. They may send flowers or a sweet text to keep you hooked, but if they can’t maintain a regular, genuine connection, that’s a problem. Someone who’s truly interested won’t go silent for long stretches without explanation.

4. They’re in a Rush to Get Close

Narcissists often move quickly because the faster they get you attached, the harder it is for you to leave. They might push for physical intimacy, talk about future plans too early, or act like you’re the perfect match from the start. If everything seems to be happening at lightning speed, take a step back.

They want to make you feel special quickly so you get hooked, but this can be a strategy to manipulate you. If you’re feeling pressured to rush into a commitment, the relationship isn’t based on trust. Anyone worth your time will be willing to enjoy the journey and build a connection naturally.

5. Their Conversations Lack Real Depth

Narcissists might seem like great listeners, but if you dig a little deeper, you’ll notice their conversations often lack substance. Pay attention if they seem to agree with everything you say without having any real personal experiences to back it up. For example, if you mention running half-marathons and they immediately say, “Me too,” see if they share any details about their own experiences. If their stories seem vague or lack credibility, it could be a sign they’re just trying to impress you.

Narcissists may talk a lot about themselves, boasting about their achievements or struggles, but they rarely open up emotionally. If their stories always make them look good or blame others without showing vulnerability or growth, it’s a red flag. Healthy conversations involve sharing experiences that demonstrate self-awareness and personal growth.

Trust Yourself

Narcissists often seek people who don’t pay close attention, someone they can easily manipulate. When you’re confident and observant, they’ll often lose interest because you’re not an easy target. If someone seems harder to read, stay alert and don’t be afraid to take a step back if something feels off.

Remember, you deserve someone who respects your boundaries and values your emotional well-being. Keep your eyes open, trust your gut, and don’t settle for anything less than a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Happy dating, and stay safe out there! You’ve got this!

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com