Date Smart: 5 Subtle Signs Your Date Might Be a Covert Narcissist

Ok, Guys, It’s Not About Getting Laid

Let’s get real. Spotting a narcissist—especially a covert one—isn’t easy. Even professionals need time to make a diagnosis. But that doesn’t take away from the real-world impact covert narcissists have on their partners, especially those who spend years entangled in relationships with them.

I’ve been there, and I’ve learned the hard way that there are early signs you can pick up on.

If you’re looking for a healthy, loving relationship with real intimacy and growth, it’s worth keeping these signs in mind.

Here’s the deal: go into each date with an open mind. Yes, you’re looking for that special someone, but stay focused on your values, your boundaries, and what you want—not just on checking boxes based on someone else’s best behavior.

It’s not about perfection; it’s about patterns and consistent behavior, which take more than one date to reveal.

You need to have your head in the game—not the one in your pants, but the one on your shoulders. Finding a great partner has nothing to do with getting laid.

Sure, sex makes you feel good, wanted, and maybe even connected. But if you dive in too soon, before truly getting to know the person, what did you actually connect to? When reality sets in, that initial connection often feels more like a trap than a cherished memory.

Covert narcissists know this well, and they’ll use sex to keep you hooked. So, take it off the table. Focus on truly getting to know this person. There’s no need to rush into anything. By removing sex from the equation, you can better tune into what’s being said—and pick up on those early patterns.

I know this from experience. These are my insights from the lessons I learned.

So, here are five signs to help you spot a covert narcissist early on:

1. They Downplay Their Achievements (But Seek Praise)

Covert narcissists are masters of subtle bragging. On the surface, they’ll minimize their achievements or act humble, but underneath, they’re fishing for admiration. They might say things like, “Oh, it’s nothing, really,” when talking about a major accomplishment.

Look out for patterns where they consistently downplay their success yet seem disappointed if you don’t acknowledge it. They crave admiration without asking for it directly—it’s a game of making you see them as “modest” while still wanting to be impressive.

Example:

Imagine your date is talking about their job and mentions a huge project they worked on that landed their company a major client. They might say something like, “I mean, I just did what anyone would do… nothing special.” Yet, they keep bringing up details about the project—maybe the long hours or extra effort they put in.

It’s a subtle contradiction that’s easy to miss. What they’re describing is clearly an achievement in their eyes, but their minimizing doesn’t quite fit.

They won’t come out and ask for praise, but it’s obvious they’re disappointed if you don’t pick up on how impressive they think they are. They may even circle back to it later, hoping you’ll finally give them the admiration they’re seeking.

They want to see if you’re willing to validate their efforts based solely on their story, making you feel like you’ve discovered a “diamond in the rough.” It’s a play on your ego, designed to activate your protective instinct. They’re testing if you’re the nurturing type—a people-pleaser who’ll go out of their way to highlight their best qualities even when they minimize themselves.

But remember: you weren’t there to witness any of it. This is their story, crafted to make you feel a certain way. Don’t get caught up in feeling like you have to validate it. Shut up with your "manly man-splanations."

2. They Seem “Too Nice” (But with Strings Attached)

Early on, a covert narcissist may seem almost too good to be true. They’ll do and say all the right things, making you feel seen and appreciated. But there’s often an agenda behind their kindness—they may expect a specific reaction or subtly make you feel like you owe them for their “good deeds.” Pay attention to whether their kindness feels genuine or if there’s an unspoken expectation that you’ll “pay them back” somehow.

Example:

On the first date, they’re over-the-top kind and generous—they insist on paying for their meal or everything, firmly decline any offers of kindness (like walking them to their car), and text as soon as you get home to let you know they had a great time.

It all feels nice, like you went on a date with a confident, secure woman, but by the second or third date, they start making comments like, “I went out of my way to make time for this,” or “I’ve been doing so much for you; I hope you realize that.” It’s as if they’re keeping a mental tab. You start to feel “indebted” to them, and if you don’t respond to their kindness the way they expect, they may subtly guilt-trip you.

These moments are so subtle they’re easy to miss. It can feel like this “nice” person is genuinely interested and just doesn’t want to get hurt. You might empathize, thinking you’re both in the same situation. But don’t fall for it. When you’re looking for a real partner, it’s crucial that both people have worked through their own insecurities and traumas. It’s not your responsibility to accommodate someone else’s hidden insecurities.

3. They Avoid Taking Responsibility

Covert narcissists hate being wrong or held accountable. If a situation arises where they might have made a mistake, they’ll find a way to deflect responsibility or shift blame onto someone else. They might say things like, “Well, if you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y,” subtly twisting the narrative so that any fault lands elsewhere. They’ll skillfully play the “victim,” as if life is always unfair to them.

Example:

Let’s say your date is talking about their last relationship, but the story makes them sound like a saint. They might say, “My ex was so controlling; they never let me do anything I wanted,” without mentioning anything they may have contributed to the situation.

If you ask questions or dig deeper, they quickly turn the conversation around, making it seem like every issue was entirely the other person’s fault. When you bring up any difference in opinion, they find a way to turn it back on you, making you feel like the one at fault.

Listening to stories about past relationships can provide important insights into a person. Covert narcissists aren’t focused on personal growth or self-reflection; they’re focused on finding their next “suitable” target. If you start hearing all about what their previous partners did wrong, don’t let that information influence how you “perform.”

You’re not there to win them over or to impress; you’re there to see if you can be your genuine self and share an authentic connection. Pay attention to whether they’ve learned from past experiences and whether they’ve grown from them.

4. They Have an Aura of Superiority (Without the Flashy Ego)

While they may not flaunt arrogance in an obvious way, covert narcissists often hint at a sense of superiority. They’ll subtly imply that they’re “different” or more refined than others, often by comparing their tastes or interests to what they consider “basic” or “average.” This quiet form of superiority might seem like just a unique perspective, but it becomes a red flag when their preferences are always positioned as “better” than what others enjoy.

Example:

Imagine you’re talking about travel destinations, and you mention a popular beach spot. Instead of simply sharing their favorite place, they respond with, “Oh, I usually prefer off-the-beaten-path locations. I just don’t see the appeal of crowded tourist spots like that.” While this may sound like a personal preference, they go on to mention how most people just “follow the crowd,” whereas they seek “deeper, more meaningful” experiences.

Or suppose you’re discussing music, and you mention a well-known artist you enjoy. They reply, “I listen to lesser-known bands; I feel like mainstream music is so uninspired.” Rather than just sharing their tastes, they subtly imply that their choices are more thoughtful or sophisticated. Alone, these comments might seem like personal quirks, but if you notice a pattern of them consistently comparing themselves in ways that elevate their own choices, it’s likely more than just a preference.

This kind of superiority can be easy to miss because each statement sounds reasonable on its own. But over time, you’ll see that they rarely speak about themselves without positioning others as “lesser” by comparison. Instead of openly boasting, they use subtle contrasts to make themselves appear uniquely enlightened or more refined, creating an undertone of quiet superiority.

5. They Show “Selective” Generosity

In the early stages of dating, a female covert narcissist might come off as extremely generous or affectionate, but this is often a tactic to create a sense of obligation or distract you from noticing red flags. Her “generosity” comes with strings attached, designed to subtly make you feel like you owe her—often in ways that can cloud your judgment. It’s not true generosity if it comes with conditions or expectations, so look out for generosity that feels performative.

Example:

Maybe you’re at a restaurant, and your date makes a big show of leaving a generous tip, saying something like, “I believe in supporting people who work hard.” But later, they tell you about how they didn’t give a close friend a birthday gift because “that friend didn’t go out of their way for them.”

Or perhaps they only seem generous in front of other people, where they can get a round of applause for their “kind” gestures. This selective generosity is a sign that their kindness is about boosting their image, not truly caring for others.

During the first few dates, she might be flirtatious, using hints at possible physical affection to make you feel especially desired, as if there’s an instant connection between you two.

She might lean in closer, touch your hand, or drop statements like, “If you play your cards right…”—giving you the impression she’s genuinely invested, while subtly making you feel like her behavior is a reaction to something you did.

But if you don’t reciprocate her attention as enthusiastically as she expects—perhaps you didn’t react to her compliments or gestures in a way that boosted her ego—she may withdraw affection or imply that she’s “hurt” or “disappointed” by your response. You’ll start to feel the emotional roller coaster of these sudden shifts in energy.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, she may hint at her willingness to be “generous” in the bedroom or make subtle remarks about how she’s always gone the extra mile to please past partners.

It’s a way of planting the idea that if you’re not equally “giving” or appreciative, then you’re falling short. In fact, she might even bring up how an ex never appreciated her or didn’t reciprocate her “generous” affection, which could trigger you to go out of your way to “prove” that you’re different.

She may also use her early acts of kindness—like paying for dinner or bringing you small, thoughtful gifts—as a means to create a subtle power imbalance. She’ll do nice things for you, but then later bring them up with comments like, “I’ve done so much to make this special,” or, “I hope you see how much I’m willing to give.”

These remarks might make you feel like you need to match her effort, putting you in a position of constantly proving yourself, while she’s simply testing how willing you are to meet her unspoken needs.

This type of selective generosity—whether through affectionate gestures, sexual hints, or thoughtful acts—isn’t about building a mutual connection. It’s a way for her to control the pace and depth of your investment in the relationship, keeping you focused on “earning” her attention rather than observing her behavior objectively.

By creating an atmosphere of indebtedness or obligation, she effectively distracts you from examining whether her intentions are truly genuine.

Conclusion

Remember, the key is to watch for patterns. It’s natural to want a fairytale romance and to focus on finding that special person, but don’t ignore these early signals. Take your time and observe if their behavior is consistent across different situations. Covert narcissists are often good at “keeping up appearances” in the beginning, so don’t rush to conclusions or ignore the red flags.

Most importantly, keep your standards high for the things that really matter: kindness, honesty, accountability, and respect. True character shows over time. By staying grounded in your own values, you’ll be more likely to spot the real deal—and dodge the drama of someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com