The Visit

It was a bright weekend afternoon when Zane’s mother came to visit. Although her visit seemed quite strategic, I welcomed it. She was a nice person, and we got along well. Having heard that I had backed out of going on holiday with Zane, she wanted to check in and see if I was okay since I was home alone.

Our conversation started with the usual pleasantries, but I wasn’t in the mood to keep it superficial. I had been silent for too long, and I needed to talk about what I was going through with her son.

I shared the story of the "big incident," the night when Zane got drunk and put me out of the house in the middle of winter at 2 AM. I brought her up to speed on all the other incidents that had led to that moment. I also mentioned our efforts with counseling and therapy. She listened intently, showing no shock and very little emotion.

I had expected her to be shocked by how her son had treated me, but instead, she appeared more disappointed than anything else. She admitted that she hadn’t noticed any clues indicating something was wrong, yet she felt that something just wasn’t right.

Then, with great resolve, she channeled one of the most powerful energies I had ever felt. Looking me straight in the eyes, she said in the calmest voice, "You’re not going to change him."

In that moment, I understood exactly what I had to do.

Hindsight Is 20/20

As the memories of the early stages of my relationship with Zane came into focus, I realized how often I had compromised my values and shifted my boundaries—all in the name of love. Zane's mother brought that final adjustment of clarity. It was like the moment when your eye doctor flips that lens into position and asks, "How about now?" Suddenly, you realize that the vision you thought was good enough could actually be much sharper.

Now that my vision was corrected to 20/20, a flood of realizations surged from my subconscious to my conscious mind. I recalled a day a few months earlier when I took some shrooms and, for reasons I couldn’t explain, couldn’t stop crying. The deep pain inside me was finally emerging, but at the time, my logical mind struggled to process it. Now, it all made sense.

No more people-pleasing. No more compromising my boundaries or remaining silent. No more bargaining or trying to convince myself that things would change. I was done—I wasn’t going to change him.

Can you change a narcissist?

When it comes to narcissism, the question often arises: can you change a narcissist? It's a topic that stirs up intense emotions and brings a myriad of opinions. While many hope that love and understanding can transform someone with narcissistic traits, the reality is often more complicated. In this post, we’ll unpack the nature of narcissism, why change is so difficult, and what you can do if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissistic individual.

Understanding Narcissism

Narcissism exists on a spectrum, ranging from healthy self-esteem to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Those at the extreme end often exhibit a lack of empathy, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a need for excessive admiration. Understanding these traits is crucial when considering the possibility of change.

The Challenge of Change

1. Resistance to Feedback: Narcissists often perceive criticism as a personal attack. This defensiveness makes it challenging for them to accept any suggestions for change.

   Every time I finally mustered the courage to confront Zane about something he did and how it affected me, he would quickly turn it around to make me feel completely foolish for bringing it up. He would say things like, "Well, I guess I’m just the asshole here," or, "I was only joking; why are you so sensitive?"

2. Lack of Insight: Many narcissists are unaware of their behaviors' impact on others. This lack of self-awareness is a significant barrier to personal growth.

   "Zane often pressured me to try things, even after I told him I wasn't interested or comfortable. He'd say something like, 'I know you don't like beer, but this one is really good. Just try it.' When I declined, he wouldn't let it go. 'Come on, just a sip,' he'd keep saying, sometimes for hours. Eventually, my frustration would show. I'd flat-out tell him, 'You're really starting to annoy me,' but he'd always respond with, 'I don't know why you're upset. You used to like trying new things.' Except, I never did. He was just clueless."

3. Fear of Vulnerability: Change requires vulnerability, something that narcissists typically avoid. They may see vulnerability as a weakness, further entrenching their defensive behaviors.

   "When I think back to all the times I begged him to get counseling or go with me, he was always adamant that it was a waste of time. On the rare occasions he did go, I was punished afterward for 'making him look bad.' Of course, telling the truth about his behavior did just that."

Can Therapy Help?

While it’s difficult to change a narcissist, therapy can sometimes provide a pathway for personal growth. However, this requires a willingness to engage in self-reflection and a commitment to change, which not all narcissists possess. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be effective, but the individual must be open to the process.

Strategies for Managing Relationships with Narcissists

If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissistic person, here are some strategies to consider:

• Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. This can help you maintain a sense of control in the relationship.

• Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that uplift you and connect with supportive friends and family.

• Educate Yourself: Understanding narcissism can help you navigate your interactions more effectively and set realistic expectations.

• Know When to Walk Away: Sometimes, the best option for your well-being is to distance yourself from the relationship. Recognizing when to let go is vital.

Conclusion

The question of whether you can change a narcissist is complex. While personal growth is possible, it requires self-awareness, motivation, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths—qualities that many narcissists may lack.

Ultimately, focusing on your own well-being and establishing healthy boundaries may be the most effective approach. Remember, it’s not your responsibility to change someone else, especially if it compromises your mental health.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com