Breaking Free from the 'Pick Me' Trap: Redefining Love on My Terms

Pick Me!

Hey there,

Ever heard of the 'pick me' mentality? Yeah, it's that little voice society has trained into us, telling us we need to be chosen, to be validated, to adjust ourselves into the perfect mold to fit someone else's expectations. I lived in that mindset for years, feeling like my worth was tied to whether or not I got picked. But here's the question: does being "picked" actually make it right for you? Spoiler alert—it doesn’t.

After my divorce, I finally had the freedom I craved. I moved in with my sister, and for the first time in 14 years, I could choose who I wanted to talk to without fear of being punished. It felt incredible—until I realized that my freedom wasn’t really free. Even as a grown woman in my late 30s, societal norms were quietly lurking, manipulating my choices.

Just Friends

All I wanted to do was meet new people, maybe make a few friends, go on a date here and there. I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship or any kind of commitment. But guess what? That was wrong. Society says a single, attractive woman talking to men must be looking for one thing. And if she’s not, well, she’s misleading them. This idea of “getting picked” started creeping back into my life in subtle ways, and before I knew it, I found myself stuck in the same toxic cycle I thought I’d escaped.

At one point, I was talking to a guy I met on a dating app. Great conversation, interesting person—until he sent me the message: "Are we going to f*** or not?"

Excuse me? It was like I had been slapped in the face by the reality of what I was supposed to be—a prize to be won, not a person to connect with. I started questioning myself: Was I doing it wrong? Was I failing at being picked?

Hunted?

And that’s when the analogy hit me: I imagined a group of men going out to hunt, and instead of lying in wait, the deer were the ones dressing up, primping, and walking around just hoping to get shot. These deer would tiptoe across a field, turning their heads just so, positioning themselves in the perfect angle, hoping that one of the hunters would pick them off. And if no one took a shot, they’d come back to their little herd to figure out what went wrong: "Should I go out there again? Maybe I wasn’t standing in the right spot." The other deer would encourage them, "Don’t worry, he’s interested—didn’t you see how he aimed at you?"

How crazy is that, right? But that’s what I felt like—a deer waiting to be shot, hoping to get picked. And everyone around me, including myself, was telling me to get back out there, to adjust myself, to be the one he’d choose. Even though my gut was screaming that I didn’t like the hunter, that I didn’t even want to be on that field in the first place.

Fast forward, and I ended up in another abusive relationship. I’ll tell you why: pressure. Pressure from friends, from society, from myself to give in to someone who checked all the boxes on paper but felt so wrong in my gut. He was the "right" guy—good-looking, successful, charming. Everyone told me I’d be stupid not to give him a chance. I didn’t like him. But I gave in because I was tired of being told I was doing it wrong.

Six years later, I was sitting in a courtroom, filing for a restraining order. All along, I knew he wasn’t good for me, but the pressure to be picked—by someone, by anyone—drove me to ignore my intuition. I finally realized something important: I don’t need to be picked by anyone but myself.

"Just like you, but not you"

But let me tell you about something even more powerful than breaking away from the need to be chosen—finding a relationship that truly feels right for you.

After leaving that abusive relationship, I started thinking hard about what I wanted. I wanted a relationship that was based on mutual respect, shared values, and equality—none of that power-play nonsense. And that’s when I had this moment of realization: everything I was looking for in a partner, I had already found in my best friend, Tyrone.

Now, don’t get me wrong—I wasn’t romantically interested in Tyrone. In fact, the thought of ruining our friendship by turning it into something romantic terrified me. But as I was reflecting on what I valued most in a partner—kindness, emotional depth, stability, someone who really sees me—I realized that Tyrone embodied all of those things. And then, just in a casual conversation one day, almost as if the universe had planned it, Tyrone told me he was looking for the same thing in a partner. He literally said, “I’m looking for someone just like you...but not you.”

We laughed about it because the irony was so obvious. Both of us were searching for the same qualities, but we were both too practical, too cautious, to cross that line. Neither of us wanted to risk the friendship we had built, but it also made me realize something profound: the kind of love I was looking for didn’t have to fit society’s mold. It didn’t have to come from some fairy tale romance where I get swept off my feet by a man “picking” me.

What Tyrone and I had was a perfect example of mutual selection. We weren’t trying to impress each other, manipulate each other, or mold ourselves into something we thought the other person wanted. We were just ourselves—our full, authentic selves—and we valued that in each other. We chose to be in each other's lives, not out of obligation or need, but because we genuinely enjoyed and respected one another. It wasn’t about one person pursuing the other or taking a shot. It was about finding alignment in our values and making a choice to be there for each other.

Like Attracts Like - the law of attraction

The law of attraction is funny like that. When I finally let go of trying to fit into the societal expectation of what a relationship should be, I attracted exactly what I wanted. It was right in front of me the whole time, and I didn’t even realize it because I was too busy trying to get picked.

I want to challenge you—stop settling for relationships driven by fear, guilt, or societal pressure. Be your authentic self, set your boundaries, and attract the love that you truly desire. Don’t fall into the trap of being "picked" just because you think time is running out or because someone says it’s the “right” thing to do. You deserve better than that.

Choose yourself first. Always.

With love,

Tiffany

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com