Am I the Narcissist? 3 Clear Signs You’re Not

Am I the Narcissist? 3 Clear Signs You’re Not (Even If You’re Being Told Otherwise)

There’s nothing more confusing than being called a narcissist, especially when deep down, you’re not sure what to believe anymore. I know this feeling well.

Years ago, when I first heard the word, I didn’t even know what it meant, let alone realize that it would eventually become a key part of my story.

But if you’ve asked yourself, “Am I the narcissist?” it’s a good sign that you’re not. Let me explain, using my own story as a guide.

1. You Feel Confused, Not in Control

About 8 years ago, I didn’t know much about narcissism. I’d heard the term, but I associated it with villains from comic books—evil masterminds who always managed to escape justice. Little did I know, I was in a relationship with a narcissist, but I didn’t recognize it at the time because, frankly, there aren’t many stories about female narcissists.

Backtrack to when I was living in the Caribbean, running a successful business, with all the external signs of a great life: marriage, kids, a nice neighborhood, and financial stability. But something felt wrong. I was traveling a lot for work, and while I used to enjoy coming home, I started to dread it. I loved seeing my kids, but my wife? I could have done without her.

One day, I sat in my office, confused and exhausted. I started talking out loud about how I felt, trying to make sense of the tension in my mind. Why was I feeling so disconnected from someone I’d married? I felt like I was going crazy, always anxious and second-guessing myself. I knew I had to figure out what was happening to me.

I turned to the internet, searching for “emotional intelligence.” As I read, I started to realize that my emotions were all over the place because something was missing in my marriage. I had emotional intelligence in business, but I wasn’t applying it at home. That realization didn’t make me a narcissist—it made me someone who was trying to fix things, even though I was in a situation I couldn’t control.

2. You Seek Self-Improvement

Years later, I found myself in a heated argument with my wife. The topic was money—specifically, credit card debt. I was trying to explain why it was dangerous for us to keep spending on luxury items when we were living on a joint account. Her response? She called me controlling and, for the first time, a narcissist.

That word hit me like a ton of bricks. I had built my life on simple financial principles: living within my means, avoiding debt, and making smart investments. But now, here I was being accused of something I didn’t even understand. It took me years of reflection and therapy to realize the truth: I wasn’t the narcissist in this relationship. She was.

One major difference between us? Narcissists don’t seek self-improvement. They blame others. I had spent years searching for ways to be better, to understand what was happening in my marriage. I even started learning about terms like “gaslighting” and “smear campaigns.” But no matter what I did, the blame always circled back to me.

3. You Feel Manipulated, Not Manipulative

Here’s the part that shocked me the most. In this relationship, my wife was the narcissist, and it took a mutual friend to point it out. You don’t hear a lot of stories about female narcissists, and it’s even harder to imagine a man—successful, financially stable, powerful—being manipulated by someone like this. But that’s exactly what happened.

After years of being accused of cheating, being stingy with money, and being emotionally unavailable, one friend finally asked my wife the question that turned my world upside down: “If he’s so bad, why are you staying with him?”

Her answer? “I truly love him, and I’m fighting for my marriage.” It sounded noble, didn’t it? Like she was some hero standing by her man. But the more questions this friend asked, the more the truth started to come out. My wife had been painting a picture of me as an unfaithful, abusive husband. She even went as far as saying that she had to keep our kids close when I was around because she feared for her life.

That was when everything clicked for me. The public persona she had created—the lavish parties, the expensive gifts, the “poor me” act—was all a smokescreen to make me look like the bad guy. I was the one paying the bills, providing for the family, and trying to build a life, but somehow, I had become the villain in her story.

The Turning Point: Seeing the Truth

That conversation with our mutual friend was a turning point. I realized that my wife had been using me as a puppet, manipulating me into doing things I didn’t want to do, while making me feel like it was all my idea. She had mastered the art of controlling me, all while making me believe I was the one in charge.

Over time, I began to recognize the patterns: the love-bombing when she wanted something, the sudden coldness when she didn’t get her way, the smear campaigns behind my back to make me look like a monster. It was classic narcissistic abuse, but with a twist—she was the one in control, and I was the one being manipulated.

Conclusion

If you’ve found yourself wondering, “Am I the narcissist?” chances are, you’re not. Narcissists don’t reflect on their own behavior—they blame others. If you’re like I was, constantly questioning yourself, feeling confused, and trying to improve, then you’re likely dealing with a narcissist in your life. And it’s not easy to admit that someone you love could be capable of such manipulation, especially when the world can’t see it.

But remember this: just because someone calls you a narcissist doesn’t make it true. Sometimes, it’s the person accusing you who’s really the one pulling the strings.

letstalk@tiffanyandtyrone.com